Feb 4, 2019
Updated: Mar 16, 2019
[TW: This post talks about suicidal thoughts in detail, so please take care.]
I deal with my suicidal thoughts in three ways by looking at them from the perspectives of the past, the future and, lastly, the present.
Like a lot of people with a diagnosis of BPD, things have happened to me in the past that have been difficult. I went through years of deep psychological pain during which I had no understanding and no way of coping. I translated things that hurt me into self-neglect and self-cruelty because I didn't know what else to do.
When I feel suicidal nowadays, I try to remember that these distressing thoughts emerge from a place of pain. Knowing this can (sometimes) make it easier to be compassionate, rather than cruel, to myself.
When I feel suicidal, I do my best to think of something that I am looking forward to. It seems strange to look forwards with hope when I feel suicidal, because this is kind of the opposite of what feeling suicidal is (feeling no hope?).
However, nowadays when I feel suicidal, I know that there will be a time when I won't feel like this and I will be able to enjoy drinking a cup of coffee, or chatting with a friend or stroking a dog. This is huge for me, because it means I am now able to look beyond my present emotional state and imagine feeling something else. I never used to be able to do this, and I am not suggesting that it would be right for others to do this.
Another thing I do is try to remember my long-term goals when I feel suicidal. This also seems counterintuitive because to be suicidal is to imagine no future. However, for some reason, I am now able to do this.
Because I am in the (sadly) privileged position of having the right mental health support, my main life goal right now is emotional stability. I know that acting on my suicidal thoughts would be counterproductive to this goal and remembering this encourages me to breathe through the painful thoughts rather than acting on impulse.
When I feel suicidal, I know that it is time to whip out my DBT mindfulness skills. This doesn't mean that I sit down and mediate or stare at flowers!
I feel far too agitated to do such things when I am having suicidal thoughts. What I mean is, I try to observe, notice and then describe my thoughts as per the core DBT mindfulness skill. I try to do this without judgement.
I try to say to myself: 'I notice I am having thoughts that I am so unlovable that I should die', 'I am observing the thought that I am worthless' or 'I am having repeated thoughts about death'.
This represents my attempt to get distance between myself and my thoughts. After that I usually try use more DBT skills alongside, usually self-soothe, distract or improve the moment. Often this means playing Animal Crossing or trying to watch something on TV.
*
If you are reading this and you think that it sounds impossible, please know that I haven't always been as able to deal with suicidal thoughts as I am now.
In the past, when my suicidal thoughts have been particularly strong, they have left me feeling completely unable to cope. This means that I have had multiple trips to A&E in crisis, even literally crying on the hospital floor.
Not knowing how to cope with suicidal thoughts has left me behaving in ways that are chaotic and out-of-control such as hurting myself in the middle of conversations because I was so distressed I didn't know what else to do.
Since starting DBT, I have been able to learn ways of coping with painful feelings and distressing thoughts. Furthermore, my therapist is helping me understand why I feel, think and behave as I do.
This is making a hugely positive difference to me because I can start to look at myself with less self-blame, self-neglect and cruelty and instead view myself with more compassion.
My suicidal thoughts seem to emerge from a place when I become overwhelmed and my critical voice takes over. The challenge is to bring in a self-compassionate voice and that, for me at least, is the biggest challenge of all...
I also want to acknowledge that everyone experiences suicidal thoughts in different ways. Some people don't find suicidal thoughts scary like me-- everyone is different.
*
Do you have any tips for dealing with suicidal thoughts?