Feeling 'Too difficult' to love?

This weekend I was crying, laughing, crying, laughing. Every few hours terror hit me and I had a wave of feeling like I was worthless, unable to cope, a drain on everyone around me and a terrible person. Then, as quickly as the wave of terror came it ended-- and there I was again eating breakfast, chatting with friends, singing along to a song. I spent a lot of the weekend afraid (as always) that I am unlovable. There are times when I am terrified that my emotional instability makes me 'too difficult' to love. In fact, my biggest fear is that I am too 'difficult to love'. That my emotions are too strong, too overwhelming, my emotional states too shifting, too volatile, too chaotic for me to

What my BPD 'meltdowns' feel like

[TW This post discusses suicidal thoughts and self-harm] One part my life with BPD is having 'meltdowns'. When I have a meltdown, I experience the world as a terrifying place where nothing and no one feels safe. I am trapped in a state of emotional agony and struck by a tonne of distressing memories. Often I am overwhelmed by distressing images and thoughts about not being able to cope, being out of control and suicide. During a meltdown I cannot see the bigger picture; I can only feel this moment and it is excruciating. All the terrors of my past meltdowns, self-harm and suicidal thoughts are upon me and I cannot think of a future in which I am alive or safe. I feel as though I am shattered

How BPD affects my life

[TW This post mentions suicide and self-harm] The main way that BPD affects my life is that I have intense emotions and I can quickly become overwhelmed by them. My emotions can come very suddenly-- seemingly out of nowhere-- and they can be extremely strong. I can easily become very distressed and have what I call a BPD 'episode'. When this happens I usually feel suicidal and/or like self-harming and have lots of fears and scary thoughts. At these moments, I often feel like I am a terrible person and feel ashamed or disgusted by myself. I sometimes have difficulty managing such strong emotions and in the past (and sometimes now, but less so) I have had problems with impulsive behaviours. Ma

Getting my BPD diagnosis

[TW This post mentions suicide and self-harm] I was diagnosed in February 2014 when I was 23 years old. It was very hard to get my diagnosis of BPD. I was in contact with professionals about my mental health for many years before I got my diagnosis of BPD. Looking back, I had mental health problems from the age of around nine, but it was never recognised. I received a diagnosis of depression at the age of nineteen, but it didn't feel fully right to me. My mood would swing from suicidal to joyful in a matter of hours. I worried secretly for many years that I had bipolar. I was too scared to tell anyone. Then, when I was 22, a GP suggested to me that I might have BPD. My counsellor at the time

Podcast: Talking About BPD

I was lucky enough to be featured on an epsiodeof the wonderful Mind Matters Matter podcast created by Helen and Hadley from Not DefEATed. Helen interviewed me about my life with BPD, with a particular focus on how I use drawing to help me cope with my intense emotions. I talk about the silence, stereotypes and shame I've faced over the years. You can click here to listen to the podcast on NotDefeated.net or find it via iTunes. Let me know what you think!

Things that help me

I'm often asked what helps me so I thought I would share a bit about some of the main things I find helpful. ​ It's important to note that no two people are the same and what I find helpful might be very different to the sorts of things that help you. I thought I would share some of the things that help me just in case they resonate with you and your experience. ​ 1. Awareness Understanding that I have certain emotional experiences because of what I've been through in life. Acknowledging the intensity of my emotions and the intensity of the distress. Accepting that I'm a person with a set of specific emotional needs. ​ 2. Feeling deserving I used to think I deserved my suffering. It took me

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​© Talking About BPD

Rosie Cappuccino 2020

Please note that this site is not a substitute for professional medical/mental health advice.