*This post discusses suicidal thoughts, please take care* Two weeks ago, I was having suicidal thoughts almost every night. They popped into my head on my journey home from work, in the evenings and when I was getting ready for bed. They were intrusive, upsetting and made me feel really alone.
The suicidal thoughts weren't plans to put into action and I didn't actually want my life to end. But they were distressing and I felt incredibly lonely. I'm not entirely sure why I was having them at such a high frequency.
[from my sketchbook]
I have struggled with sucidal thoughts of varying degrees a lot for many years. I have periods where I have them, and periods when I don't have them. For two weeks, I haven't had any. But before that, I had a month where I had them almost everyday.
I find them quite frightening. But most of all- lonely. Maybe I need to remember more that these are thoughts. And thoughts are not facts. I have a lot of friends, and several with whom I am very close. I have a close relationship and a family who care about me very much. Yet I feel that I cannot tell anyone about my suicidial thoughts when they arise, because I am afraid.
I afraid to tell people in my life about my suicidal thoughts because:
1. I am scared they will call 999. I am not going to act on the thoughts, and so there is no need to call 999.
2. I am scared that I will scare them away and they will no longer want to be friends with me.
3. I am scared my friends will no longer look at me the same way and that they might change their opinion of me.
4. I am scared my friends will think I am not fit for my job (I am a teacher). This is total nonesense. I am a caring and capable teacher held in high regard by colleagues, children and parents.
[from my sketchbook]
I'm starting to tell my therapist about them in order to understand why I have spent periods over the last few years with these sorts of thoughts coming into my head.
I'm also starting to accept myself and not stigmatise myself with a really harsh internalised stigma and sense of shame.
Maybe there are lots of people reading this with BPD or bipolar or other mental health conditions who also struggle with intrustive suicidal thoughts.
Do you? What is your experience of them? Does anything help you?
I would love to hear from you.