[TW Suicidal thoughts]
When I am at my lowest ebb and I have a tidal wave of suicidal feelings come over me, I feel desperately alone. What I want more than anything during these moments is for someone to talk to so I don't have to be alone with my frightening thoughts. Someone who will listen to me and who will accept me as a whole person, even if I am going through something really confusing and scary.
I chatted briefly about this with someone with whom I have a very close relationship. He mentioned me that my writing and notebooks can be really useful to me when I have this overwhelming need to be listened to. The pen and page really feels like the safest place in these moments...but I can't help but want someone who I can talk to about anything, including my experiences with BPD and suicidal thoughts.
Often, I feel deeply lonely when I am in my low moods, and I often feel desperate about reaching out to friends and people close to me. However, I am becoming aware that reaching out impulsively, without thinking about how I am going to communicate, can cause me extra stress. I need to pause before I impulsively reach out and think about how this might affect individuals as well as my relationship with them.
One of my biggest fears is that I overwhelm people and will lose them as a result of this- and I am pretty certain that my emotions can overwhelm people. So I am trying to pause before I 'reach out'. I am using writing as a way of delaying communication, because my moods and desires can change from hour to hour and thus I can easily regret my in-the-moment reactions.
A fantastic coping mechanism and mode of support I have discovered is BPD Chat on Twitter on a Sunday night at 9pm (UK time). You search #BPDChat to find the chat and join in the conversation. Each week there is a theme, and this week’s theme was trust. I urge you to take a look on Twitter searching with the hashtag #BPDChat and seeing if you might like to read the tweets, or perhaps join in during the next chat.
Feel free to tweet me your experiences @TalkingAboutBPD. I hope you take comfort if you can relate to my experiences.