Did I Embarrass Myself Again? Or Is Everything Actually Okay (Again)?

Every time something happens to make me feel embarrassed, such as feeling like I 'overshared' or said something 'exposing' that made someone feel uncomfortable, I think back to the previous time I was embarrassed and remember that it all turned out fine. This is an antidote that never works though; no matter how many times everything transpired to be okay, I always think that this is the moment when it's all about to go pear shaped.

I doubt myself constantly within the social situations. Seeing as humans are social animals, that's pretty much all the time then. Sometimes I wish I had an undo button for all my social interactions. If I actually had this button though I would never move forward with my life because I would be trapped in rumination: Should I have said this instead? Should I have done it differently? I need to re-say that but in a slightly different way.

If someone tells me they like me or they enjoy talking with me, it's like heaven opening and little cherubs singing to me bathed in sunbeams. I wish wasn't like this, but it is. Oh, so they don't hate me. Oh, so that must mean they actually like me. I feel ridiculous admitting this, but I reckon this will be relatable for lots of people reading my blog.

The compliment lasts all of five minutes though, before I've moved onto something else I feel embarrassed about and I feel back to square one. It's even got meta for me: I feel embarrassed about feeling so much embarrassment.

I am trying to deal with it though. It's getting better with every year that goes by, but it's still excruciating. It affects me every single day. If someone doesn't reply to a message, it can fill me with dread like cold lumpy custard. I ruminate on it for days. I have to turn my mind to other things and this takes a great deal of mental effort. I am aware I've written two books about living a good life with BPD. I do have a good life, but I never claimed this was easy.

With the exception of my relationship with my husband, which feels solid (thank goodness!), nothing in my relationships ever feels permanent. I always feel at risk of being thrown away, ghosted or just left to fade away into the graveyard of friendships. My fears are not based in reality. Only on Thursday I was having lunch with two good friends I've had known for more than a decade.

It must be trauma from deep down in my past (which I don't really want to write about) and also from my best friend of eleven years removing me from of her life a few years ago which gives me this dread. I don't know if I trust people too easily and share something of myself with them, when I shouldn't. Maybe I hope for too much in return from people, honestly I just don't know. One of my friends says it's a lovable and wonderful quality to have a big heart, be loyal and love deeply. I know she is right, but sometimes I wish I could take a break from my big heart and have a few days with a small, closed-off one.

I don't want to spend all my time thinking about whether I embarrassed myself, looked needy, was too forward, too annoying, too chatty, too this, too that. One day I won't feel like this and I am getting closer to that day.

I will let you know when I get there.

-Rosie x