TW Suicidal thoughts and self-harm
For the last few weeks, all of my emotions have been heightened, there's an intensity and a pressure to them. My emotions, both the happy and the sad, have an edge to them. They hurt. It all hurts.
Every feeling I have is sharpened. I have peaks and troughs with huge spikes and swooping dips. The lows are really low, yet I also feel happiness and love and excitement and passion with such an energy. It's incredibly confusing and hard to deal with.
These lows hit me so quickly. And suddenly I'm in the lowest of low moods and it's incredibly scary.— @TalkingAboutBPD February 20, 2017
When I feel low, it can take me close to crisis. I've had a couple of those in the last few weeks. It's when I have suicidal thoughts and I don't understand why that is, but all I know is that they're there and they are frightening and horrible.I'm not going to act on them. But all the same, it's a really harrowing and confusing experience.
Usually I can't stop crying, and I panic, and it's a physical sensation too. It literally floors me, knocks me down and I have to lie on the floor- for gravity to pull those feelings that are pulling on the inside of my stomach, to let them sink downwards into the floor.
Basically, I am a mess when this happens.
When these low episodes happen in the past, several things could happen:
1. Self-harm, especially in the past. Sometimes it seems the only thing I can do to bear the intensity of the pain. I've been able to move away from self-harming now a lot of the time.
2. I call or text someone. I want help, to keep me alive and safe, but this often led to miscommunication and panic. I often end up getting even more distressed when I call or text someone, and then end up self-harming.
3. I call Samaritans and usually am able to talk and find some relief.
I have these episodes less frequently these days, but during the last few weeks I've had a few times when I have been close to a crisis.
It's hard to talk about how I feel due to my (very real and understandable) fear of overwhelming people, so lately I have kept this to myself.
It's hard. I feel really alone in this a lot of the time. I hope this time of heightened emotions will pass soon.