[TW This post mentions suicide and self-harm]
The main way that BPD affects my life is that I have intense emotions and I can quickly become overwhelmed by them. My emotions can come very suddenly-- seemingly out of nowhere-- and they can be extremely strong.
I can easily become very distressed and have what I call a BPD 'episode'. When this happens I usually feel suicidal and/or like self-harming and have lots of fears and scary thoughts. At these moments, I often feel like I am a terrible person and feel ashamed or disgusted by myself.
I sometimes have difficulty managing such strong emotions and in the past (and sometimes now, but less so) I have had problems with impulsive behaviours. Many times, I have ended up acting in out-of-control ways when I have been distressed because I didn't know how to cope with the emotional pain I felt.
Another way that BPD impacts me is that I tend to have a lot of anxiety in close relationships. I often fear that people are thinking the worst of me and sometimes I feel terrified that people want to leave me.
I often feel nervous about my social interactions and am worried that I have upset or offended someone. I am sensitive to any changes in relationships or in others' behaviour and this often makes me anxious.
I regularly experience intense feelings of shame and embarrassment which is hard to deal with. I have a lot of suicidal thoughts when I am under stress or find things difficult.
Overall, I experience BPD as an intense emotional and interpersonal sensitivity. Whilst I experience suicidal thoughts, intense sadness and shame, I also feel emotions like joy and love just as intensely.
BPD is not all I am, but it is a part of who I am at the moment because it affects me every single day of my life. It is incredibly hard and painful at times, but I love my life and who I am.