Feeling Much Better. A Sense of Relief & Feeling My Own Multiplicity

I've emerged from the painful state of mind that I was in for a few weeks. I felt slithers of it coming in from about January, but it was contained and only coming into my mind now and again until about June. In June, the painful state of mind became more and more frequent and increased in intensity. In July, it felt almost unbearable (as I shared in my blog posts on here). 'Almost' is an important word here.

What helped me come out of this state?

First of all, time. Secondly, trying very hard to do as little as possible that would worsen it— such as acting on impulse and acting as if my thoughts were true. I was having some excruciating thoughts about myself and my self-esteem was on the floor.

It really helped me to communicate with some of my friends about what I needed. I felt, like I always do, in a conundrum over how much detail to say about my emotional state. I managed to navigate it somehow. Thank you to those friends who showed me a gentleness and compassion that was second to none.

I also drew on my previous learning; my DBT skills, the internalised voice of my old DBT therapist and people who have taught me things with their wisdom and perspective. I read over the messages and words of encouragement from friends, many times.

I have lists on my phone in my notes app of reasons why I can trust and why people like/love/care about me. I have photo albums on my phone of times that meant something to me or made me happy. If you have this diagnosis, I bet you will know exactly why I need these.

I wrote. I threw myself into the present moment, my duties to others and my environment as much as I possibly could. I remembered 'values-guided action''* and to do things even when I (wilfully) wanted to do the complete opposite.

Also, my husband. I can't thank him enough for his patience and his loyalty. I need to get some sort of a knighthood/sainthood sorted for him.

...

Now I'm through it, I feel torn about how much to say about it. I'm worried that if I talk about it then I might overwhelm someone, which is a worry that ends up feeding these difficult emotional states.

...

I think I learnt a few things over the last few weeks. I realised once again what it's like to be a person who can feel so low, raw, vulnerable and fragile. I also know that there is strength in me and in other people who go through times like these too.

I see you. I see your pain and I see your strength— and I see them in the way I want mine to be seen too. It's all me. This is me. Although I find this hard to reconcile with sometimes.

Multiplicity. The state of being various. It's all me. This is me.

I see me and I see you too.

Rosie x

*Russ Harris, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Check out this amazing resource.