My Anxiety Has Been Challenging Me This week

Let me tell you what's going on. Absolutely none of this will be a surprise to anyone who knows me well or who reads this blog!

I'm struggling with feelings of embarrassment. I know I'm re-experiencing the past in the present moment.

I feel like I've made myself vulnerable so many time. I feel like I've said too much, shown too much of myself, given too much of myself, been the first one to message too many times, been the one wanting more, been the one wanting others' time. My thoughts are saying: What if it's not mutual or reciprocated? What if they are laughing at me for being 'too intense' or 'oversharing'? What if they are angry with me because I unintentionally overstepped their boundaries?

I feel as though this week I've made a few mistakes (or are they 'mistakes'?). I'm worried I've been a bit impulsive with sending messages (have I?). I'm shaming myself and experiencing paranoid thoughts that people are angry with me for trying to speak to them. I keep thinking about people are rolling their eyes and saying 'why did she write that?' or 'why does she think she deserves my time?'. I was crying as I walked to the station because I felt so silly about my messages.

....

I've got lots of big changes coming up in my life and this is making me feel unsettled. I keep worrying that everything I say has upset people. I've jumped to conclusions this week. I feel awkward. I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I'm constantly exposing my flaws and wondering how many will be too many times before people turn their backs on me. I know I have to stay in the present moment and trust people when they show me who they are.

I told my husband that I wished I was someone else this weekend. He told me he doesn't want me to be anyone else except myself. I sat down on the bed and cried for a while. I haven't cried like that in a while.

I hope I start to feel less raw and exposed soon. The worst thing is my fear that the people I have in my life might disappear as a result of me just being me.

I wanted to reach out to my friends so many times, but I tried to hold back because know I can't always be looking for external things to help me feel calmer inside.

I'm going to try really hard to stay grounded in the present moment. I'm going out for a walk soon and I hope that will help me.

Thanks for being here with me.

Rosie x

Update: I went out for a walk and that helped me. Seeing trees and flowers makes me feel part of something bigger than myself. Seeing other people walking by and getting on with their lives reminds me of things beyond the ruminations going on in my mind. I get stuck in my head. I feel alone when I'm not. The past comes to the foreground and colours the present. I played with my daughter and she grounded me into the present moment. I remembered my DBT therapist and all the times she told me to stay in the present moment as a way of reducing emotional pain. She is absolutely right and I'm grateful for what she taught me.

Second update, two days later: I feel a lot better today. I feel more confident that it's okay to be who I am. I had a chat with a few different people. I tried to trust. I spoke with my husband. I just need a decent sleep now as my sleep has been affected this week. I've been waking in the middle of the night full of anxiety.

Any of my blog readers who are feeling similar, I want you to know that you're not alone. If you worry you have upset someone, then you are probably a reflective person with a generous heart.