People with BPD— and those in romantic relationships with them— tend to be curious about other other people's relationships where BPD is involved. This is surely because close relationships are where the difficulties associated with this diagnosis are often mostly acutely experienced. (I would also argue that this where their strengths are most keenly felt too, but that's for another post!).
I can go months, for example, without feeling any impact of my BPD at work, but in my close relationships this is rarely the case, even though my BPD is very minimal compared to how it used to be. I'm pleased to say that my anxiety hardly ever calls the shots on how I act, interact and live these days—thankfully I now know how to contain the huge feelings that surface until they reach their wave-like peak and then fade out.
Like many people with this diagnosis, my experience is that my close relationships colour my mood. As hard as this is to admit in a world that celebrates emotional autonomy and independence, I'm emotionally-reactive to my sense of connection with others. This is why I find it so stressful when someone doesn't reply to a message, even though my rational brain can understand all the many reasons why someone may not reply or take their time.
When I feel safe in someone's presence, I feel calm. My jumpy and easily-excited nervous system simmers down. When I feel connected to someone I care about and trust they care about me, I feel able to weather any storm. I know that self-reliance is prized, and I understand its merits (no, I really do!), I'm also not afraid to say that my emotional connections with other people is the glue that holds me together. To give you an example, I had a very difficult appointment this week and knowing that people I love believe in me and are there for me if I need made it all possible for me without a crisis.
Returning to curiosity about my relationship though. People are SO curious about my relationship with my husband that I reckon it's my most frequently asked about topic from blog readers. Just a few days ago I got an email asking whether my husband would write something for the my blog! (Watch this space, he said yes).
Today though, I'm sharing my take on why my relationship with my husband is so solid. It's solid, even when feeling shaky within relationships is something that is a part of me. Maybe it will always be a part of me, I don't know. I accept this vulnerable part of me amongst other more confident and more headstrong parts of me, and I don't try to run from it.
I understand where this vulnerable part of me comes from and knowing its origin story helps me— as painful as this understanding was to gain. Nowadays, I let myself feel this anxiety when it floods it, but I don't let it direct my responds. I notice, pause and let these big feelings do their thing in my body and my mind— without feeling the need to always act on them.
Sometimes this looks strange and shocking to the outside eyes. But my husband understands. He doesn't judge me when I feel the need to lie on the floor and cry, 'earthing myself' until the sadness and anxiety drains out of me. He has seen me having (thankfully rare) transient episodes of psychotic beliefs when my panic attacks have hit their apex. He tells me that no the police are not coming to get you, you are here with me, you are are safe. He helps me ground myself to the present reality when I'm breathless, pacing and sobbing at 3am. I am so grateful that he understands and he doesn't judge; he just helps me breathe and holds my hands until the moment passes.
What works for me and my husband won't automatically work for others. Every person is unique, and every relationship dynamic is unique too. For us though, I feel it works because we are a blend of being very similar and also very different.
What's very similar?
Our values, outlook, politics and beliefs are very much aligned. We agree on the big questions in life, not because either of us changed our beliefs to align with each other's way of thinking, but simply because that is who we are. Neither of us chase money or power for the sake of money or power, we both want the same things for our daughter, enjoy the same kinds of holidays (!) and have a shared vision for what we want our future together to look like. This means we don't have to argue about the big things in life that can be deal-breakers in a relationship, such as whether we want to have children, where we want to live, what roles we feel each other should have within the family and so on.
I would describe my husband and I as non-traditional in the sense that we don't have set gender roles around the house and within the family. We make sure all the labour involved in running a home and raising a child is split in a way that feels right for both of us. This sense of equality was incredibly important to me as I looked for a partner and is a key part of me today within our marriage. I value being a mum, but I also value other aspects of my identity and my time. I knew I would be very unhappy (furiously unhappy!) if I was expected to behave in certain ways because of my gender. I was very open about that with him early on as it would have been a dealbreaker for me if he wasn't on the same page as me about feminism.
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I've run out of energy as I'm so tired lately, but I wanted to post this now. I will come back and finish this post ASAP! Thank you for reading part one! - Rosie x
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