It's only natural that people who hear about my experiences are curious about what helps me feel better and how I've learnt to live with my BPD. And not just live with it. I live really well and have a great life that I enjoy very much!
That's not to say that I don't have struggles though, I do. I don't write about mental health in the past tense as something that happened in a lost chapter of my life. (You can read about my recent difficulties here, if you're interested). The challenges are ongoing, albeit far less frequent and immense than they used to be.
I recently did a Lunch and Learn session with the University Mental Health Advisers Network (UMHAN). UMHAN is a national UK charity and the largest network of mental health professionals working in education. Their members provide support to students with mental health condition. It's incredibly valuable work, so I was honoured to be asked to speak.
One of the many questions I was asked at the end of my talk was about what helps me. I have addressed this question in a lot of depth in my first book and I'm adding more more layers in my second book. However, I wanted to write a very, very brief summary for those of you who are interested!
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy
Where would I be without my beloved DBT!? It was the first therapy that actually gave me relief from my painful emotions and taught me how to live without feeling suicidal and wanting to self-harm all the time. I know some people have found DBT invalidating, but for me it was so deeply validating. It was the first experience of my life where I felt the intensity of my emotions was fully understood. All my responses made sense once the intensity of the emotions was understood. After all, people in pain will do things (anything sometimes) to try to cope with the distress they feel.
Through DBT my emotional sensitivity was acknowledged in a way that made sense for me and my amazing DBT therapist showed me (taught me step by step) how to do the skills to regulate my intense and completely overwhelming emotions. I learnt how to observe emotions and let them pass as waves, rather than trying to shut them down.
I started to feel comfortable in my own skin and life started to get so much easier. I was lucky to live in area that offers long-term DBT offered as a group and 1 to 1, alongside 'phone coaching' throughout the week from my 1 to 1 therapist. I needed this intensive approach as my episodes of being very upset were frequent.
My Husband
Oh my goodness. I love him so much and thank my lucky stars everyday I met him. Before we met I never imagined I would be here with a ring on my finger (as someone who used to be very anti-marriage for myself!!) wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone in this way. As soon as we met, we didn't want to spend time apart as we instantly clicked.
Whilst lots of my friendships are with people who are similar to me, with him it's a bit of a chalk and cheese relationship. Opposites attract and all that. Whilst I have always found it a bit too easy to fall in love (topple dangerously) with someone who is similar to me (slightly wild imagination, up and down, emotional, creative, that sort of thing) I needed someone DIFFERENT. I didn't know I needed this in a relationship until I found it and realised how grounding, relaxing, wholesome and ultimately very healthy it felt.
Without doubt, as everyone who knows him can see, my husband is a very grounding, relaxing, wholesome and, more than anything, FUNNY person. Something else that makes it work is that we are also very aligned in our outlooks and beliefs which makes things very easy. No massive conflicts to navigate. The humour also absolutely sealed the deal for me though. Nobody spends more than five minutes in a room with him without laughing. He gets the laughs flowing.
My Friends
Friendship is the type of love that is talked about the least, but certainly one of the most gorgeous...warm, inviting, fun, precious. Where would I be without the friends who make my life so rich and meaningful?!
Lots of my friends who have their own experiences of mental health problems (including BPD and other stigmatised conditions) which is helpful for me. Honestly, I credit my friends with a great deal of my happiness and most treasured memories. I try to put lots of effort into keeping my friendships strong, as well as growing new ones.
Writing, poetry, self-expression of different forms
Earlier this week I wrote a post on journalling and what it means to me. I've been writing in my new book about how the spoken word communities I used to spend lots of time in have a special place in my heart. For many years I've used poetry, like so many others, to express things that I didn't know what else to do with. You can listen to one of my poems about my emotional highs and lows here, if you want.
Drawing, zine making, letter writing, painting, card making, collage too...they have all been part of forming my identity, connecting with others, having fun and trying to understand the confusing parts of life.
Books
It's a cliche, but it's always been a comfort to me to know that others throughout time (and right now) feel the same as me. I'm not alone in it. And anytime I just want a break, or I want to learn something or see something from a different angle, all I have to do is open a book. Libraries too have always been sancturies for me too throughout my life in various ways.
My job
I love my job as a teacher, specialising in special educational needs, and I find it very fulfilling. I wrote more about it here.
There are so many other things I could list, such as nature, video games, going out and seeing places...
How about you? What helps you? As always, I would love to hear from you.
Rosie x
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