If You're Close to Someone With a BPD Diagnosis: Small Words Have Big Impact

This post gives linguistic scaffolding to people who love people with the kinds of difficulties that get you a BPD diagnosis. I hope it's helpful!

It relates to a few others I've written lately: Why Are Mental Health Problems Often So Hard To Talk About, Here's Why I Share and Friendship and the 'Moral Languages' of Therapy.

'I can see this is a lot for you right now'.

People with a BPD diagnosis feel and process emotions differently. I'm going to write it twice because it's so important: people with BPD feel and process emotions differently. Emotions feel big, emotions come fast. The best thing to help them pass smoothly and with as little pain as possible: validation. You don't have to believe in the accuracy of the narrative around the emotion, to validate the emotion itself. It can look like this:

• 'This sounds like a painful moment for you.'

• 'I know you're having intense emotions about this'.

• 'You emotions about x and y are very strong'.

• 'I can see how upsetting this is for you.'

These phrases are not hard to say or type in a message. It's the equivalent of saying: I believe how you feel and I see you. They take a couple of seconds— and they can mean the world.

'I need to go to now, talk to you soon / on ______'.

If you're going to message to me, please try not to disappear half way through a WhatsApp conversation if at all possible. Obviously life happens, but it will make me anxious if you disappear without saying goodbye. Phrases like this can be useful:

• 'Just arriving work, I will message you later on'.

• 'I'm going through a hectic time, but I will message you when things calm down.'

• 'I need to go to bed soon, just in case I don't reply.'

I also find it extremely difficult when some people don't reply to a message and I'm working on that anxiety. Too often my thoughts jump to: oh no, I've irritated them / they don't like me / I've disturbed them / I talk too much / they never want to see me ever again. These thoughts make me want to send a text again which invariably creates more anxious thoughts: oh no, now they think I'm so annoying / so fragile / so needy / so desperate / I talk too much / I pushed them away / shame on me etc etc. Then I can spiral very hard and very fast.

Clarity in general is the bread and butter of relationships for me. If you want to talk to me or spend time with me: tell me. If you need temporary space from me forever: please tell me, gently. If you don't want to talk to me or see me anymore: tell me, also gently. But please, please, don't ghost me. Ghosting is the stuff of nightmares for people with a BPD diagnosis. I can deal with the truth, but I want to know it in plain English and, preferably, as gently as possibly.

'Saw this and thought of you!'

People with BPD often struggle with object permanence and emotional permanence. Some people on the autism spectrum also struggle with this.

I struggle immensely with feeling 'held in mind'. It can make my day, even my week, if a friend texts me a couple of words or a photo. It doesn't really matter what it is. It's simply the act of someone I love showing me that they thought of me. Especially if I'm having a particularly difficult time. I can't explain it, but it makes my heart beat in all the right ways. I sometimes feel really embarrassed that such tiny things can mean so much to me.

'I'm glad we could talk about this.'

Many people with BPD (myself included) carry a deep sense of shame about who they are and how they process their emotions. They have grown up feeling embarrassed about not being able to do things that it feels like everyone else can do with their eyes shut. They have developed the sense that it's 'wrong' and 'bad' to have a huge, open, loudly-beating heart. Do you know how painful that is to carry?

If I'm feeling daring enough to talk about something emotionally significant to me, it means so much to know that I was safe to talk. I often struggle with thoughts after I've finished speaking like: Why did you say that? You shouldn't have said that! That's disgusting. Shame on you for thinking they care. What makes you think you're so special to speak about your life.

The kinds of phrases that help me immeasurably are:

• 'I appreciate this conversation.'

• 'I'm glad you can be open with me.'

• I'm pleased we can speak honestly'

Obviously these are only helpful when spoken from a genuine place.

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I don't demand any of the above. I know not everyone wants to, or can, give this. That's okay. I'm writing this for people who want to care or communicate in helpful ways. I'm also working on not needing these supports, at the same time as realising I'm a human and humans need connection.

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I love writing about the relational aspects of life with this diagnosis. It's through relationships that I have felt the most pain, but also the most joy— and the most strength.

As you might have guessed already if you're a regular reader, this post is written in gratitude to my friends.

Rosie x