So Much I Want To Say...

*This post mentions suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges*


This summer has been marked by both soaring happiness and deep, despairing lows. As a whole, I've been full of happiness and enjoying all the good things in life, feeling content and at peace in so many ways. Things have been happening in my personal life to make me feel so joyful and grateful. At the same time though, amongst these happy feelings, I've had to face huge sadness as a result of something that happened.


I won't go into details about this upsetting thing that happened as I like to keep some privacy especially when other people are involved. In summary though, I had communication with, and decision-making from, someone I care about that really, really hurt. Like really, really hurt. Pain deep inside me that I thought was gone re-spawned and it made me feverishly distressed. I was once again under the spell of distress that not much can reason with. I was pulled into those depths of agony that mean I think of suicide and about hurting myself. I was tormented with the thoughts of my own worthlessness and pointlessness.


For a few days I struggled to cope with most things and needed support from my family and partner. I was hurting so deeply that I felt suicidal on and off for a couple of weeks and I was having urges to punish and hurt myself. I'm not religious but I even wanted to pray and beg to a deity to take this pain away. I cried so much my face swelled up and I had reduced vision.


I waited for it to pass and it did. It always does. I managed to use some DBT skills to get me through and I think I'm okay now. I have all those good things that make me feel content and peaceful. I am still upset about the incident that happened, but my sadness is bearable now. Perhaps I will write more about it later.