I first encountered Russ Harris' concept of 'values guided action' about seven years ago and I found that it related to several of my reflections at that time on living a fulfilling and enjoyable life with mental health problems.
[Note this post mentions suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self-harm, but in no detail].
At that time, I was at a really influential and exciting point in my life with my Master's degree, friendships that energised me, a new relationship that had far surpassed anything I had ever dreamed was possible for me. I had been thinking about what it meant to do things that I knew deep down I wanted to do, all the while having difficulties like urges to self-harm, thoughts that I wasn't deserving of genuine connections, worthy of care or even other people's time.
Reading Russ Harris' thoughts on 'values guided action' in his books on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy crystallised my thoughts and strengthened my resolve to live a good life. I realised that painful experiences like suicidal thoughts, urges to hurt myself or feelings of worthlessness were not mutually exclusive with living a good life. Of course I didn't want the former difficulties, but if they were here to stay then, well, what about having both at the same time!? It was a lightbulb moment, similar to the time I realised I didn't have to wait until my difficult thoughts magically disappeared to be in a happy, loving long term relationship.
Of course, a common facet that many (maybe all?) people with a diagnosis of BPD will relate to is changing feelings in relation to yourself or your identity. For some people, this will look like fluctuating interests, outlooks on life, aspirations, values or self-esteem. For me, it's mostly the self-esteem. As I've written countless times before, sometimes I feel great about myself and feel confident about enjoying meaningful relationships; other times I feel like the worst person on earth, wonder why anyone loves me and all the things I've ever done and ever said crawl over me in a hot rash of shame. As one family member has said to me: 'What have you done? Have you killed anyone or robbed anyone? Thought not. So you don't deserve to feel this way'.
Whilst I tread this tightrope of feeling good or terrible about myself, usually in relation to how anxious I feel about my attachments with key people in my life (as excruciating as that is for me to admit), I feel lucky that I have a clear set of values that don't change. These values stay the same regardless of where I am, the people around me or what I'm doing. I can trace their origins back to my childhood— what's important to me was important to me back then! Maybe I really am the same person now as I was when I was five!?
When you have diagnosis as stigmatised as borderline personality disorder, I think there is enormous merit in reminding yourself of your values, even stating them clearly and regularly to yourself. It's so easy to absorb the inaccurate and insidious narratives that weave their way around the internet and are laced through so many books on the subject. Attention seeker, drama queen, nightmare, difficult patient, hard-to-reach, refusing-to-engage, hopeless, helpless. Please. Don't. Believe. These. Stereotypes.
I thought I would share some of my values (in no particular order) that I keep close. I hope that after reading you might take time to write your own.*
'Silent gratitude isn’t much to anyone.' — Gertrude Stein
It's important to me to thank people and tell them when they have influenced my life for the better. I try hard to never take things for granted. I think after many years of thinking about suicide makes me have a 'devil may care' attitude towards wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm not worried if people laugh at me for being sentimental. When I have been in my lowest ebbs, it would have meant the world to me to know if anything (anything at all) I did mattered. I think this is one reason why gratitude is a key value for me.
'Live gently upon this earth'
I am terrified about the state of the planet. I am horrified by the way things have been going in the last couple of hundreds of years. I try to buy second-hand where I can and only consume things I really need. On a personal level, nature is something I crave if I don't get enough of it.
'Art is a lie that makes us realise the truth' — Picasso
Oh my goodness. Creativity is central to me. I can't live without writing and creative expression. It's everything to me. I also have a slightly wild imagination which can lead me to strange places in my mind for better or for worse...!
'The more you know, the more you realise you don't know' — Aristotle
I have a ritual of watching University Challenge every week. I get an absolute kick out of knowing things and that's probably a weakness as I am too competitive with that. I can't imagine life without learning. I don't think I've ever been bored in my life because I only see the world as full of things to find out about. Thank you to my granny for instilling this into me from a very young age.
'Your silences will not protect you' — Audre Lorde
One influential thing I heard growing up in the nineties was 'laugh along with a bully and you are a bully'. I've always taken that really seriously and try very hard to stand up for what I think is right, even when that feels uncomfortable or is risky. Sometimes this attitude has got me into some sticky situations, but I think speaking up has been worth the trouble... I wrote a post on this theme recently.
Whilst my experiences of mental health problems illuminates much of what I know and suffuses much of who I am, I am not defined by them. If I'm defined by anything, then I hope it's by my values and how I treat others. I think both of these facets are, however, in constant conversation with my experiences as a person with mental health problems.
Soon I will be hosting an online event with the aim of helping people with a diagnosis of BPD to see themselves in a more positive light. It's rare that people with BPD are talked about in positive tones and given the chance to be celebrated for their many strengths and positives. I hope some of my blog readers will join me.
-Rosie x
*If you don't know what your values are, I can appreciate that must feel really difficult. Perhaps you can take time to explore them through reading, talking or thinking about people you admire. Useful questions may be:
Who do you admire and what is it about them specifically that you admire?
Who do you envy and why might that be?
What makes you feel most like yourself?
When do you feel most proud of yourself?
When do you feel most comfortable or 'at home' within yourself?
Comments