What Kind of Relationship Do You Have With Your Phone?

I find messaging on my phone, such as on WhatsApp, incredibly anxiety-provoking in certain circumstances.

Whilst it depends on the other person, the subject matter of the message and other context about the relationship, these are some of the kinds of things I find anxiety provoking:

• Really short replies or replies that seem 'cold' (although I am aware I can easily misread people as being 'cold' when I'm stressed).

• An imbalance in who is first to initiate a conversation because if it's me initiating first a lot then I worry I'm annoying them or overstepping their boundaries.

• Conversations that stop suddenly without an explanation like 'I'm going out' or 'I need to sleep'.

• Someone not replying to me (sometimes this makes me anxious, but it depends on lots of different factors).

Factors that tend to make the anxiety stronger.

• A background of stress, such as other events in my life making me feel anxious.

• The subject matter of the conversation eg: if it's something that makes me feel a bit exposed or vulnerable.

• Being tired, being hungry.

• If I don't know the person very well or trust has not (yet) built up between us.

• If I feel conflicted or unsure about how the other person feels about me. I am often very surprised when people say or do things that demonstrate that they like me eg: saying something kind about me or show they were keeping me in their mind.

There are a few things that help me enormously when I'm messaging. I wouldn't ever want to force someone to do these things though; I really understand that people are busy, have their own lives going on, their own preferred modes of communication and ways of expressing themselves etc.

However, if I could have a hypothetical communication environment during messaging to make me feel emotionally safe, then these would happen:

• A short acknowledgment if the person had read my text if they don't have time to reply. Like an emoji smile or just a short message like 'I will reply to you later :)' Again, I would never want to force anyone to reply to me. I would never expect anyone to revolve their world around me and my needs. I don't think I have the right to anyone's time, attention or energy. I'm just saying that I find it really supportive when people do this.

• People would be honest with me if I was talking too much or sending too many messages. They would, ideally, say this kindly whilst wording it in a way that suits them. Although that being said, I would rather know the truth even if it wasn't said kindly than not know the truth at all. Again, I know this kind of honesty within communication is not always possible for everyone and every relationship. Humans have complex lives and feelings. I know that and acknowledge that. Sometimes I forget to reply to messages from other people too. I admit that.

• People would tell me if they need to go and do something else before they stop messaging, so that I'm not guessing why they have left the conversation. If the messaging ends suddenly, then I usually think that I've upset them or angered them. Again, I know that how I interpret social interactions is down to me and it's not other people's responsibility to reassure my anxieties. However, if someone tells me they have to go, then this makes me feel emotionally safe.

Other things I have learnt over the years that help me:

• No read receipts. Instagram is a nightmare for me at the moment because messages have 'seen' and it makes me so incredibly stressed.

• Silencing my phone so I don't have to hear any beeps. The sound induces immense anxiety in me.

• Different text tones for different people. I like to know straight away who has messaged me.

• Putting my phone on aeroplane mode when I'm at a crisis point with messaging anxiety. This is not helpful for other people if they are worried about me though as it makes them concerned about where I've gone.

• Muting certain people's Instagram stories.

• Using a ton of DBT skills to get me through intense anxiety without sending more messages to the other person asking if I have upset them. Some of the helpful DBT skills for me in these moments are check the facts, distract, self-soothe, opposite action and improve the moment.

  
  

One of the most liberating things for me is when I feel enough trust with someone to ask if they would be able to tell me if/when I overstep their boundaries or upset them in any way.

Asking this question, and getting a reassuring reply, is one of the most effective ways I manage my anxiety. Whenever I'm worried I've upset someone, then I am able to tell myself: 'They told me they would tell me if I upset them'. This helps me a lot to trust and manage my anxiety.

I can also speak to my husband and tell him 'they told me they would tell me if I have upset them or overstepped their boundaries'. My husband reflects it back to me and says 'yeah, they didn't tell you this, so you can assume that you haven't upset them or overstepped their boundaries'.

....

I would really, really love your thoughts on messaging, if you want to share them. I imagine it's challenging for lots of people with similar struggles to me.

Again, I'm iterating that I never want to force anyone to change their communication just to suit my needs if it causes them any struggle or inconvenience. I only want mutually supportive communication in my life that works for everyone.

Rosie x