I Forgot How Difficult These States of Mind Could Be

I'm writing this for me, and I'm writing this for you— if you go through times like these too.

I'm currently in a really painful state of mind. I'm desperate for some relief. This bleak and frightening state of mind has been set off by the process of moving house: I'm uprooting my life as I know it.

I know this is an opportunity— a door opening into more spacious days with less friction. I understand this change as something I've chosen, something I want and to which I am committed. I see this move as a chance to become even happier than I already am (when not in a crisis state, as I am now).

But, for the last few weeks, the sense of dread inside my mind has been expanding. Sometimes the bleakness feels like it's swallowing me whole. I put on a brave face. I smile. I chat.

I describe this state of mind as the silent scream. Outside I'm smiling and inside I'm screaming. It's not constantly like this, thankfully. Sometimes I feel okay. But there are lots of times at the moment that I don't feel okay.

The thoughts and feelings I'm having about myself are probably the worst part. I feel really incredibly lonely sometimes going through this. I don't feel I can talk about it much, even though I would like to. There are too many reasons why it's difficult and problematic to talk.

I would love to be able to speak honestly a bit more. But I know other people have lives and I'm too scared it could negatively affect our relationship.

I already talk a lot. And how much is too much? And what is out of bounds? Where is the line? Where is the boundary?

*

I know I will be okay. I've got people who are helping me through this into some easier days. I never want people to treat me as the 'other' for what I go through, but I hugely appreciate the kindnesses from people in my life.

Specifically, I'm very grateful for all the people who communicate clearly with me, speak honestly with me and tell me how they feel.

A few things I've appreciated recently are:

• my husband helping me with practical ways of calming my emotions

• my husband for staying endlessly open-minded and patient, even when things are hard to understand at first

• a friend who discussed my paranoia/intrusive thoughts with me and reminded me that it's all related to experiencing a high level stress, rather than being a character flaw or something that I need to be ashamed of.

• a friend who told me with generous clarity how they feel about me

• a person close to me who showed care about me having panic attacks in public and said I can speak if I want to.

  
  

Actions like this mean the world to me.

-Rosie x