Panic Attacks in Public

Usually my panic attacks are private things. They are seen by people closest to me; most often that's my husband.

My panic attacks are most liable to happen when my stress and anxiety levels get too high and then something additional happens to make this sense of pressure in my head feel unbearable.

The most common time of day for a panic attack to happen for me is night time, before I go to bed or if I'm struggling to sleep. Often the point at which it happens is when I start to worry about insomnia which, ironically, causes me to not be able to fall alseep.

Other situations when they are more liable to happen are when I'm on my way to catch a train or going the airport. It's that feeling of rushing. Other events that may cause a panic attack if I'm already feeling anxious are social events or meeting up with someone.

...

On Sunday, I had background anxiety about moving house and related worries about moving away from friends. I also had a particularly stressful driving lesson and was struggling with self-critical thoughts. I'd had a busy time at work and not enough time alone. I'd been (characteristically) worrying that I was 'too much' for the people I love. The straw that broke the camels back for me was rushing to catch a train to meet someone.

[Please note this post briefly mentions thoughts about self-harm once.]

Approaching the station, I told my husband that I felt like I couldn't cope. All of a sudden the emotional pressure in my skull hit its apex and panic attack flooded over me.

I was overcome with the feeling of: I cannot take this. My thoughts went like this: I'm going to scream. I cannot cope. I want to be someone else. I want to run.

I had thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. I felt really angry with myself. I felt unlovable and was full of disgust about myself.

My levels of anxiety got too high that I started to jump up and down and pace around. I started to cry very loudly. I started to make noises, kind of like groans. I was hyperventilating. I began repeating words over and over again, probably something like: oh no, oh no, oh no or I can't cope, I can't cope, I can't cope, I can't cope. Sometimes I say: help me, help me, help me, help me. I

I sat down on a nearby wall, put my head in my hands and started wailing and rocking back and forwards.

The panic attack ensued and it ran its course. I was depleted, but I okay. I managed to carry on with my husband on our journey. I had a coffee and a rest when we arrived, and I felt more okay.

...

Panic attacks are usually depicted on TV as semi-contained things, with someone struggling to catch their breath. Some of mine are like that, some of them are absolutely not.

Having loud, visible and uncontained panic attacks in public makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. When they happen I remember how real my mental health problems are. It's a strange thing to write, but public panic attacks humble me.