'Neuroqueer Feminism: Turning with Tenderness toward Borderline Personality Disorder' by Merri Lisa Johnson

'Neuroqueer Feminism: Turning with Tenderness toward Borderline Personality Disorder' by Merri Lisa Johnson is one of the most inspiring and affirming pieces of writing I've read about the borderline personality disorder diagnosis. Unfortunately, it's behind a paywall and it's been a while since I had access to the whole text, so I'm going off the abstract and memory for this post.

Johnson writes about 'turning with tenderness toward borderline personality disorder as a neurologically queer intersectional embodiment'. I might write another post to unpack that— and what that might mean for me— another time.

For now I want to ask: what if you could 'turn with tenderness' towards yourself right now?

I also want to ask: What if I could do that too with you, right now, in spite of— or rather, because of— the pain I'm feeling this week.

I find it easy to 'turn with tenderness' towards others and sometimes very hard to do that towards myself. I get caught up in what I imagine other people might tell me.

...

What if I'm not 'too much' and what if I haven't made 'too many mistakes'? Or, what if I'm only these things to some people and me being 'too much' and making 'too many mistakes' is not actually a universal truth about me or statement of my worth as a human being.

What if my feelings of 'too muchness' and 'too many mistakes' need tending to, instead of cramming into my very own Pandora's box?

What if all my vulnerabilities were doorways to possible connections, even if and when some of these misfire or mismatch?

What if having a huge heart, with no filter on what comes into it or out of it, is a valid way of existing on this earth?

What if I am actually lovable, even when someone doesn't love me. Or rather, when someone doesn't love me in precisely the way I want to be loved? I am aware that when I'm in a certain kind of painful mental state, I tend to be extremely precise in what I want from other human beings. Because I'm sensitive to rejection in these painful mental states, I often feel I can't ask for it.

I'm struggling. I want to feel connection. I hope this feeling of disconnection that I'm bearing right now is an opportunity for growth.

As always, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until the light returns.

Rosie x

Reference:

Johnson, M. L. (2021). 'Neuroqueer Feminism: Turning with Tenderness toward Borderline Personality Disorder. Signs: Journal of Women in Culture and Society', 46(3), 635–662. https://doi.org/10.1086/712081