One of the themes that has been taking up a lot of space in my mind at the moment is friendship. What makes a good friend? How can I be a good friend? How and why do friendships sometimes change? Also, why does friendship tend to be less discussed and written about, and maybe even less valued, compared to other types of relationships and love? As one of my friends said to me: there is a lot of advice for children and young people on making and keeping friendships, but less for adults. There are a lot of facets to navigate, with few maps.
I've had quite a few conversations with friends on the theme of friendship recently. I count myself really lucky to have some excellent friends who I feel close to and whose company I enjoy. Maybe though it's not so much luck though, but relates to the fact that I consciously channel my energy and time into my friendships. The reason for this is that I had an excellent role model who showed my the value of friends: my granny.
My granny is a figure of immense influence in my life: her love of adventure, 'can do' attitude, general thirst for life, desire to learn, connection with nature, resourcefulness, sense of holding onto her (humble) roots and how much value she placed on friendships. My granny spent time and effort on staying in touch with her friends, having fun with them and exploring new places. Not only that, but she enjoyed maintaining friendships from when she was a little girl as much as she enjoyed making new ones. Even as she approached the end of her life, she forged new connections with people as well as tending to her childhood 'pals'. I saw how rich this made her life and how warm it made her heart; I don't imagine she was ever lonely and I don't think she was ever bored. She always had someone to be interested in and someone to be interested in her; she always had someone with whom to share all things. And that's what I want to, especially when I am very old.
Writing this makes me wish I could be sat with my granny now, with a cup of tea and telly on in the background, listening to her lively stories of trips she made with friends old and new. Of course, I can't be with her now (my grief is still an ache, a longing for her face, her voice, her presence). But her influence ricochets through me; she lives on in my actions. I try to cherish my friendships as she tended to hers.
For as long as a friendship makes me happy, then I want it to continue. Sometimes friendships naturally fade out, as if they were made just for a season, and, rarely, they extinguish fast seemingly out of nowhere (my friend of eleven years ghosted me which was one of the most painful things I've ever had to face in my life). I remain open to new friends because I never know who might walk into my life and what they might bring.
One of my favourite quotations about friendship is by one of my most beloved writers, Virginia Woolf:
“I use my friends rather as giglamps: There's another field I see: by your light. Over there's a hill. I widen my landscape.”
― Virginia Woolf, The Diary of Virginia Woolf, Volume Three: 1925-1930
With these words, Woolf captures my sense that friends open up new perspectives to me; my friends show me things about others, myself and life in general that I otherwise would never have known. Woolf's use of a light simile resonates with me because friends, without doubt, bring a brightness and a cheer to my life that I otherwise would not have. Christmas lights in winter, a light left on when returning after a long journey; a message from a friend popping up on my phone, a laugh shared over a drink after a hard week.
Friends are privilege that I try not to take for granted. I often message my friends and say hi, ask how they are and find out when we can next see each other. Over the years, my friends have learnt a lot about my mental health problems― and some of my closest friends have their own experiences of mental health problems too. Most (maybe all) of my friends have seen me feeling vulnerable and exposed― and they have chosen to love me all the way through those moments. I have loved them back too and these times have brought us closer. They probably know that I struggle to feel held in mind or worry that I've hurt them. They may have had text messages from me showing that I don't feel confident, feel panicky or even helpless. They may have seen me cry or struggle to catch my breath in state of anxiety.
Each friend represents something slightly different to me because each friendship is as unique as the friend themselves. And each friend means a great deal to me― and I try to show them this too. So, returning to the questions I noted at the start of this blog post. I think a good friend is someone who makes you feel most like yourself, helps you feel even more fully alive and helps you move closer to the things that bring you the most fulfilment. Being a good friend is probably about doing those things for the other person because friendship, like many types of relationships, has to flow both ways.
Why friendships sometimes change is probably, for me, related to authenticity. If one person feels like they can't be themselves around their friend, doesn't feel understood or feels judged, then the friendship will (to a greater or lesser degree) feel hollow. Changes in life such as pregnancy, having a baby, entering a romantic relationship and so on, can change the nature of friendships. Perhaps something makes one person not able to be themselves fully or hide parts of themselves that feel uncomfortable being stuffed down.
I think friendship is the unsung hero of relationship types. Even though I have a great family and a wonderful husband, I absolutely adore (and need) my friends. They hold a mirror up to my life and to myself, reflecting light in myriad directions. Life would be a great deal poorer for me without the amazing individuals I am lucky to call my friends.
I would love to hear your thoughts on friendships, so please share with me if you feel like it!
Rosie x
Comments