Talking About Talking: How Metacommunication Can Create Safety When Talking About Mental Health

Metacommunication can be described as communicating about how you’re communicating— and you probably do it without even realising you’re doing it. I didn’t realise I was using metacommunication until I started using it more and more frequently with my husband and in some of my friendships.

Once I became aware of the presence of metacommunication in my conversations, I noticed that I was using it to promote a sense of emotional safety when talking about mental health. Since becoming aware of my use of metacommunication, I’ve been using it with more self-awareness. I’ve also been reflecting more on why and how I use it– and I wanted to share my thoughts with you in case they might be helpful.

Before I do so, though, I wanted to acknowledge that whilst I’ve not read anything specifically on metacommunication when talking about mental health problems with friends, family, partners, etc, my thinking has been tangentially informed by a couple of people and I will drop their links at the end of this post for you.

This post is a natural, and more detailed, follow-up to an article I wrote for Happiful Magazine titled ‘Approaching anxiety about opening up to a friend’. The article was commissioned by the magazine’s editorial team after they had enjoyed my blog posts about the social and relational aspects of having mental health problems, specifically the complex emotions I feel when talking about this part of my life with people I know.

Since I wrote the article, I’ve become more attuned to the different kinds of metacommunication I use— the various things I say to make conversations feel safer. Here are a few examples of the kinds of shapes I’ve noticed my metacommunication taking, with examples of how they might sound. I really hope this post might be useful to you!

To check how the listener feels; to ask for permission; to check the timing or their capacity

Some examples of this type of metacommunication would be: 'I would like to chat about _____, would that be okay?' or 'Is there a good time to chat?' I tend also to add things like 'I know you are very busy' or 'I understand if this is not possible for you'. Some people might say that's overly self-deprecating, but at the moment I tend of operate hesitantly and cautiously in the world.

I've been hurt in the past by sharing personal information with people who weren't in a position to receive it. Sharing things so deeply felt with people who couldn't or didn't want to listen led me to feel immense shame and punish myself, even though my desire to talk about my life was a natural part of being a human. Understandably, I am very cautious now about what, when and with whom I share.

With this type of conversation-starting metacommunication, you don't have to leap in immediately. You could signal that you want to start opening up more about your mental health, but that you would like to do it gradually in your own time. A phrase like 'I was thinking about starting to talk a bit more about _____, what do you think?' might be useful.

One thing to attune to when you ask a question about having a conversation is whether the listener is responding with a 'later' rather than an outright no. If they are responding with 'later', then it may be that they are waiting to find a time when they can be fully present and give you the attention they want to share. That's a compliment, even though I'll be the first to admit it's not always felt like that in the past!

The other thing to hold in mind before asking to speak with someone is that if they says 'no', that's okay too. Some people don't feel comfortable or able to talk about mental health for lots of different reasons. I know it hurts like hell though because it can feel like a personal rejection.

That's why I only tend to ask people to chat when I feel emotionally-regulated enough to cope with a 'no' answer without taking it very personally and feeling very distressed. This is one of the (many) reasons why I don't tend to talk about how I'm feeling with friends when I'm in the middle of a very low patch; I know that someone telling me they couldn't talk would set off difficult thoughts for me that I would find hard to bear.

One final thing to note is that if someone tells you they can't chat, really it's better you know that before speaking, rather than finding out mid-conversation or even after the fact. I only want to talk with people who want to talk with me. I would feel utterly terrible if someone didn't want to speak with me but felt unable to say no.

To signify what you might want, or prefer, from a listener or from a conversation

Once you've ascertained that the listener is open to a conversation and the time is okay, then you might like to say what you would find helpful. You could say these kinds of phrases at the opening of a conversation, for example: 'I find it helpful to share the different thoughts in my head' or 'you don't need to say anything in particular, I just wanted to be honest about what's been going on'.

Some people are probably way more direct and confident than me and feel able to say things like: 'I don't need advice, just someone to listen'. But I've not yet phrased a request as boldly as that because it feels scary (and maybe it just doesn't feel like 'me'). You will be able to find your own phrases that feel right for you over time, if this is something you would like to explore.

Sometimes, I might not know what I want from a conversation until it's started flowing. It's valid to bring in some metacommunication mid-way through the chat if your needs become apparent though. My needs that usually arise part way through are a need to check that my listener is feeling okay: 'I realise I'm talking a lot, am I going too fast?' 'Is it okay that I'm talking about this?' 'Is this too much personal information?'

Again, some people might tell me I need to be more confident and 'own' myself, but honestly, I've probably been as confident as I can be by broaching the topic itself in the first place. Just asking to talk can feel utterly terrifying. I need my friends to meet me where I'm at—and usually where I'm at is a place of very sore and delicate vulnerability. This brings me onto my next point.

To signify that you are trusting the listener with potentially painful parts of yourself; it might feel difficult or you may need time to find the words

To talk about mental health might be to talk about the most excruciating, complex, confusing, lonely or embarrassing parts of yourself and your life. You might feel like you're showing someone the back of your eyeballs, voicing things that have kept you awake at night or straying into linguistic territory you've never dared wander into before.

Useful phrases here could be: 'I’ve never spoken about this before with a friend', 'I don't trust everyone with stuff like this, but I am trusting you because you don't jump to conclusions' or 'talking about this is new for me so I might need some extra time to find the right words.' These sentences remind the to the listener to be aware of pauses, hesitation, dysfluency or 'imperfection' when you speak.

Sometimes I like to draw attention to the fact that mental health problems can be confusing and hard to pin down: 'It's hard to talk about _____ because it's tricky to find the words to describe _____' or 'it's a confusing / intense / frightening experience and that makes it difficult to describe'. Sometimes I just go straight ahead and tell the person what my fears are: 'I'm scared of people seeing me as less capable' or 'I'm worried about people thinking they know everything about me just because they know this one thing about my mental health'.

By signalling that you have chosen to trust your listener, it could be that they feel appreciated too. After all, many people enjoy the opportunity to learn more about others' lives, especially if it's someone they like and respect.

To pace, or pause, the conversation

As I wrote in my book, you can talk about mental health as if you were peeling an onion, if you prefer: one layer at a time. This 'unpeeling' could be over the course of a single conversation, with phrases such as 'I just need a moment to gather my thoughts' or 'let me just think how to explain this'. Alternatively, this could be over a series of conversations: 'I might tell you about that another time' or 'perhaps we could talk about it at a later date, as I'm feeling quite tired now'.

I tend to direct metacommunication about pacing, or pausing, the conversation towards the listener, as I often worry about overwhelming them or making them feel uncomfortable in some way. The kinds of phrases I like to use are: 'Am I okay to keep talking about this?', 'Shall I pause or save this for another time?' I wait to hear what they say and then decide if I should carry on talking or not.

I realise that an open question here would probably lead to be a fuller response from my listener, but sometimes I worry about putting them on the spot. I guess I wish I could ask them how they feel, but this feels a bit too unconventional. At the least for the moment...I mean, I would like to explore this with people I trust and who would be open to reflexive conversations like this.

To clarify misunderstandings and express gratitude

I only feel safe enough to talk about mental health with someone if I feel comfortable enough to ask them for clarification. This is mostly because when I'm feeling anxious or ashamed, I'm liable to interpret words through a negative lens even when they weren't intended that way. I'm often aware of this tendency, and one thing that helps me is feeling safe enough to ask for clarification: 'could you please tell me what you meant?' or 'I'm not sure I 100% understand, did you mean ____ or something else?'

I have two friends who make me feel especially safe to ask for clarification because they don't respond to a follow-up question in a defensive manner. I think this is due to a combination of their characters and their broad awareness of, and respect for, my struggle with rejection fears— especially in relation those deep-down parts of myself that can feel very vulnerable, and even child-like.

Lastly, before I finish this post, metacommunication is valuable for expressing gratitude. 'I really appreciate your open-mindedness when we chat' or 'it means so much to me that I can be open about this'. Sometimes I tell my friends that they can always ask me anything if they feel confused about anything I've said. One thing I've noticed amongst some of my friends doing during conversations is referencing their struggle to find the words that do their sentiments justice.

I really like it when friends tell me that they feel their words feel imperfect because it signifies sincerity and a sense of care that feels warm and genuine. It tells me that they are willing to take a risk and try, even if they are not quite sure. It also reminds me that it's okay if I haven't expressed everything perfectly— because talking about mental health is hard. It's really, really hard. But it's also really, really valuable.

So, thank you for being here with me and reading my blog. I know from my analytics (!) that lots of you are out there reading my writing and it makes me so happy to know I'm not alone. As promised, here are links to the people who have energised my thinking about metacommunication.

• Hannah Kiener's Substack 'Purposeful Connection'. My favourite piece Hanna has written (so far!) is '20 Ways to Neuroqueer Friendship'. Reading Hanna's thoughts on friendship changed how I view myself, dramatically lessening the shame I feel for my emotional intensity and desire for meaningful conversations within close friendships.

• Connect with Oumou on Instagram. Oumou Sylla's writing about Radical Mental Health First Aide, community care and care literacy has been extremely thought-provoking for me over the last few weeks. I hope to write more about this soon!

Here are some related blog posts by me that you might enjoy if this one resonated with you.

• 'Nearly a third of Adults not comfortable sharing a diagnosis with a friend. Here's Why I Share.' My account of having a panic attack in front of a friend when I spoke about mental health.

• Why Are Mental Health Problems Often So Hard To Talk About? This post shares my reasons why it's not always easy to talk about mental health

• Rooms of Expression: 'House' Reflective Exercise: A post to explore things we say, and don't say, to whom and why

• If You're Close to Someone With a BPD Diagnosis: Small Words Have Big Impact: A post about potentially supportive phrases when chatting with someone with BPD

As always, you are always welcome to share any thoughts or if you’ve found your own ways of using metacommunication, then I’d love to hear how it's going for you.

Rosie x