A few weeks ago I received an email from a marketing staff member at Penguin publishers. "Would you like to receive an early release copy of Esmé Weijun Wang's The Collected Schizophrenias", she asked. Well, if someone is offering me a book, let alone a book that examines mental health, then I am of course going to say yes! I was excited when Weijun Wang's book fell as promised onto my doormat having heard that it had quickly become a New York Times bestseller on its release in the US. As excited as I was to get a free book for the first time in my life, I was more excited by what I found inside. Once I began reading, it felt like Weijun Wang was talking to me about her life, identity and experience of emotional suffering. As someone who has felt so much loneliness in my life because of my borderline personality disorder, this book was like getting a cup of tea handed to you in a house with a broken boiler. The Collected Schizophrenias is a startling and vitalising book containing a series of personal essays about the constellation of Weijun Wang's mental health conditions and medical diagnoses. Weijun Wang takes us through a number of her diagnoses, how she constructs her identity, how it shifts, her changing relationship with reality and how she goes about her life. It is fascinating and surprising. As you can tell from the battered corners of the book, I have carried it with me crammed into my backpack for the last couple weeks. It would have been unputdownable, however I had to take a break from it a few times because it did activate some difficult feelings in me. Weijun Wang talks about how difficult it is to go through delusions, such as believing she is dead or that her loved ones have been replaced by robots, feeling suicidal, PTSD, sexual abuse and medical conditions. These are only some of the difficulties that she examines in her book. The Collected Schizophrenias is an intimate, close-up look at one person's mental illness, and yet it examines so much more. These essays both zoom in and zoom out. Weijun Wang examines the psychiatric system, film portrayals of schizophrenia, autoimmune disorders, identity and spirituality. I'm aware that this is just a snippet review. I'm coming off quetiapine (one of the medications Weijun Wang mentions in her work) and I am struggling myself a lot right now. I would totally recommend checking out The Collected Schizophrenias if you want to read something beautiful, moving and illuminating about mental illness and you can't stand schmalz and simplified happy ending. This ticks all the boxes for me. I wish I could have a coffee with Weijun Wang. I hope she writes more about mental illness. The Collected Schizophrenias by Esmé Weijun Wang, published by Penguin, is out in the UK 27/06/19.

[TW this post mentions suicidal thoughts] Everything feels like it's going wrong I have these moments where I feel convinced that everything is going wrong. I feel like I can't cope which means I fear I'm going to fall on the floor and start screaming that everything is 'too much' and I 'don't know what to do'. When this state comes over me, it feels like everyone I love and everything that makes life worth living is about to me ripped from me and I will be left with nothing. It's incredibly upsetting and scary to feel this way, so much so that it usually makes me feel suicidal. During these times, nothing comforts me. Photographs of people I love, texts from them, cute birthday cards, gifts or mementoes cease to have any meaning. I can’t find even a moment of solace or comfort from a memory because I’m convinced I will never be loved or safe again. Catastrophic thinking In these instances, my thinking becomes fast paced and tends to be catastrophic. Often the trigger for this panicked state of mind is an interpersonal interaction such as something someone close to me said. For example, someone could give a short answer instead of a longer one and I interpret that as bored. In a matter of seconds, I have concluded falsely that they are bored with me and therefore that I have always been boring and always will be that way. Then, before I know it, I am thinking that I am terrible to be around, I'm worthless and that nobody loves me. [Image shows white blossom and blue sky in the background. The text reads 'At times, I find it difficult to believe anyone who says anything positive about me.' - Talking About BPD] Often this leads of paranoia. I find myself looking at my friends and thinking that they talking about me, or thinking about my family and how I am the one everyone is fed up with. I think some really unkind things at myself during these times. My self-worth slips onto floor like a birthday cake sliding face down of a kitchen counter. I fantasise that everyone is desperate for me to just get away from them. The most I can hope for during these instances is that I don't act on my impulsive and feelings and instead just wait out the storm. In DBT, this skill is known as 'riding the wave' of emotion and the principle behind it is that emotions rise and once they reach their peak of intensity, they fall. I try to use the DBT mindfulness skill and notice the concrete world around me to bring myself out of this spiral of terrifying thoughts. other people & origins of instability I feel that I demand a lot from people because of my emotional instability. It may not be necessary for me to feel guilty for the impact my mental health has on others, but it's something I feel guilty about nonetheless. I take comfort I know that it can be hard for people who love me to see me in the throes of a BPD anxiety attack. One of the reasons for this is that during these times I find it excruciatingly difficult to believe anything positive that anyone tells me. It can be difficult for someone who loves me to see me feeling so upset and behaving as if something awful is happening when there is no objective terror occurring. However, inside my head when I feel this fear it all feels so real. Multiple therapists and psychiatrists have explained to me that these emotional states are activated in the present when something happens to reminds me of difficult and painful past experiences. The challenge is to realise that the fears activated in the present do not represent the real dangers from the past. The danger has past, but the fear remains. (Note: Many people believe that borderline personality disorder is more accurately understood as a form of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, known for short as C-PTSCD). The power of validation Validation helps me more than anything when I feel these overwhelming fear and sense of loss. For example, my boyfriend often tells me kindly that he can see I'm scared, even though he will tell me that he can't see any facts that show I need to be scared. Validation is such a powerful healing tool for me because it helps me feel seen and heard. I don't know exactly why being acknowledged helps so much. Maybe when I feel I can't cope I get the urge to scream because it's a communication: see me, hear me. Perhaps deep down I'm trying to make up for all those times my suffering was invisible and unheard. Nowadays, I’ve found a small part of myself that can listen to those positive statements of care from another. Although I often benefit from reminders, I have some capacity to recall moments of affection and care when the fear takes over. There are some small moments during crisis when I can even grab hold of them, even if only for a moment. The power of that cannot be underestimated. The emotional rollercoaster of bpd Sometimes I can have these moments of terror multiple times per day. It can leave me in toilets or public transport crying my eyes out. I can be walking down the street, breathless and tearful. It can stop me from sleeping because I am so fearful. Often they stop as quickly as they arrive. When they end, I'm confused. How did that happen so quickly and feel so intense? Recently I heard someone explaining BPD like this. Imagine how it feels to go through a really bad break up. Imagine feeling that most days, if every day, often multiple times. I don't normally shout about it for fear of what people would think of me. However, when someone close to me died, I felt the deepest and most devastating sadness that I've ever experienced. Except that it wasn't. It was only the most painful sadness I have ever experienced that was completely unrelated to my BPD. The emotions I feel that relate to my BPD fear of abandonment and rejection are so much stronger and more agonising than this grief I felt. What I'm trying to express is I feel I have two categories of emotion. BPD and non-BPD. And the BPD ones are just on a whole new level. Many people who be sceptical of this, even angry to hear me say it. Emotions cannot be separated like this. I don't know- I'm just saying how it feels for me. * Although I'm learning each day to manage, it's exhausting to be continually engaged in a project of 'getting better'. I really benefit from the support of friends and loved ones who accept me as I am, see my strengths and see just how hard this is and how much I'm trying. Thank you for reading and thank you to everyone who supports Talking About BPD. The encouragement and support means so much to me.

[TW This post mentions emotional abuse and sexual assault] A while ago, I noticed that lots of people (including myself) say sorry for having emotional difficulties. I've heard people apologise over and over again for distress caused by childhood emotional abuse, sexual assault, abusive relationships amongst other things. I have apologised so many times to people I love, doctors, nurses, therapists and others for simply being in emotional pain. I wrote 'No Apology' when I realised that even though I apologise for hurting, I haven't done anything wrong. No Apology She should not apologise for the trauma that formed her. Or for the fire that warmed her, burned her, turned her to ashes and reignited her in the same breath. Or for the million lives and billion deaths she fledged and shed as feathers. Or to the divers whose knees bled on stones. It’s not her loss to console. Maybe she is not one woman but many women. Maybe the way to understand her is through her anger. Her shipwrecked depths, don’t require your anchor. By Rosie Cappuccino.

Ref: Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder: Relieve Your Suffering Using the Core Skill of Dialectical Behavior Therapy by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen (New Harbinger, 2013).

Many people with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have been through difficult or traumatic experiences in childhood, including abuse, emotional deprivation or the chronic invalidation of emotions. In short, many adults with this diagnosis didn't receive the emotional support and safety that they needed in their formative years. [Image of white blossom and blue sky. The text reads 'Many people with BPD had difficult, often traumatic, experiences in childhood'] Borderline personality disorder and unmet childhood needs Schema therapy offers an explanation as to why an adult with BPD might feel and behave like an abandoned child. Put simply, schemas are patterns of feelings, thoughts and behaviours, as well as ways of relating to oneself, others and the world. Schema therapy is built on the idea that a child whose emotional needs are met will develop healthy schemas. By contrast, a child whose needs are consistently unmet may grow into an adult who has maladaptive schemas. These maladaptive, unhealthy schemas often represent a child’s way of coping with difficulty, but can cause pain and difficulty in adulthood. Borderline personality disorder and the “abandoned child” schema One such maladaptive schema that many people with BPD experience is the “abandoned child” schema, also known as “vulnerable child” or “abused child”. This schema often occurs as a consequence of unmet needs around connection, such as the loss of a physical or emotional bond between an infant and caregiver. The “abandoned child” schema tends to be activated in adults by an event that resembles an unmet childhood need. When this happens, individuals with the “abandoned child” schema might feel frightened, believe that they are helpless and act as if they are unable to survive—just like an abandoned child. [Image of a sleeping baby- credit Pexels] What the “abandoned child” schema looks like for me When my “abandoned child” schema is triggered, you will find me sobbing in a heap on the floor or pacing around the house in a state of utter panic. During these times, I believe that people I love don’t care about me anymore. I crave reassurance and feel desperate for a connection that will help me feel safe once more. Even though “abandoned child” mode represents me at my peak of vulnerability, I’ve been exploited and emotionally abused numerous times when in this state of mind. People with an “abandoned child” schema—many of whom have BPD—both need and deserve to be treated with the utmost respect, gentleness and sensitivity. Just as every child must be. I would like to thank my friend Kathryn for teaching me so much about schema. Thank you.

So I thought I'd share the apps, websites and YouTube channels that help me most when it comes to living life with intense emotions (in no particular order). Let's dive right in... Sporcle When I'm experiencing paranoia that people don't like me or have decided they want to cut me out of their life, quizzes can be the only thing that keep me from acting impulsively. Maybe it's my competitive nature and my love of miscellaneous knowledge, but whatever it is this site has prevented my crisis from escalating several times in the last month alone. Yoga With Adriene This is the most well-rounded YouTube channel I've ever found for doing yoga at home. Adrienne creates such a variety of videos, from beginner, to advance, fast-paced to more gentle styles. Her videos include yoga for beginners mind, yoga for grief, stress melt, yoga for a broken heart, chair yoga and much, much more. Image credit Find What Feels Good Calm app I did the month-long free trial of this meditation & sleep app and have never looked back. I use it every day- my favourites are the 'emergency calm' meditation and the sleep story about the Moroccan rose garden. My therapist uses it too, so it must be good! Kanopy It's Netflix for documentaries and art house films. If you haven't guessed, I'm a huge nerd and I'm interested in everything from modern art to the history of Japanese tea houses to the rights of Vietnamese nail salon workers in New York. Many libraries offer access to Kanopy free of charge. I watch Kanopy when I need a break from my life and to be reminded of others' realities. Painted Nails (2016) directed by Dianne Griffin and Erica Jordan Twitter Twitter has been my lifeline since the moment I got this diagnosis and was terrified of what it meant for me. It gave me a sense of belonging and taught me how to speak about my experiences. It's such an amazing community of people sharing their experiences of mental health conditions, tips & advocating for understanding and better care. Instagram This one comes with a caveat because lately I've been looking at too many beauty accounts and they've left me feeling inadequate. However, with many illustrators and artists I follow, even a quick scroll makes me feel inspired & encouraged. One of my current fave accounts is @azhimova_anastasia. Art by Anastasia Azhimova @azhimova_anastasia. Audible Audiobooks are one of the most effective ways I prevent rumination. It costs around £8 a month to use Audible, but there are many free audiobooks on YouTube and for download through apps. You won't be surprised to hear that Harry Potter is my firm favourite. If you're a fan, you might want to check out my post on Harry Potter and DBT. Healing from BPD by Debbie Corso I love Debbie Corso's site and her YouTube channel. When I was first diagnosed with this condition and felt completely isolated, I listened to her videos. She made with feel like there was *someone* who understood me when I felt like nobody did. Rainy Mood I can't get enough of water sounds! Not only do I find the sound of rain, streams and water relaxing, but they block out the noise of others talking and moving around the house. As I'm often hypervigilant to my surroundings and my startle reflex tends to go into overdrive, steady background noise is helpful. Rainy Mood is an app and a website that streams (no pun intended!) rain sounds. Rainy Mood Purple Persuasion by Charlotte Walker Charlotte's blog posts are always thought-provoking and insightful. She shares her experience of bipolar disorder and mental distress without a sugarcoat, as well as her knowledge of policy, practice and research. Although Charlotte doesn't blog as often as she once did, she posts now and again and Purple Persuasion's archives are hugely valuable. Her Twitter @BipolarBlogger is also amazing. Do you have go-to apps and websites for your mental health? What would make your top ten? Let me know on social media!

[TW This post very briefly mentions suicidal thoughts and self-harm] The last two weeks have been huge for me. For the first time in my life, I opened up about a phobia that I've never felt able to tell anyone about. At this stage, I'm using the word phobia, but I'm not sure if it is more of an OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) related issue. Since opening up about it, I've had bouts of intense anxiety with periods of sweating, racing heart, insomnia, racing thoughts and quick, shallow breathing. This is because talking about this phobia brings up all of the feelings that the phobia itself raises in me, namely disgust, anxiety, fear, embarrassment and revulsion. As I write this, I can feel my heartbeat quickening and my muscles tensing. I've been silent about this phobia since childhood and it's not something that has been visible to other people. After having kept it completely private for all of my adult life, it's an enormous step for me to tell others about it and decide that I want to address it. The first conversation The first person I decided to open up to about it was my boyfriend. It felt too difficult for me to speak the words aloud so I sent him a text about it and he offered to have a conversation with me about it. Over breakfast one Sunday morning, we decided to just leap into the deep end. I didn't know where to begin and I was squirming with embarrassment. I explained that it was difficult to know how to begin and how awkward I felt. If you know me, you'll know that I'm not normally lost for words! However, this topic is different because of how ashamed and afraid it makes me feel. In order to get me talking, my boyfriend decided to ask me a few basic questions that required me only yes or no answers. This meant that together we could get closer to the heart of the matter without me having to speak in a depth that felt too scary. He reassured me that we could stop and take a break at any point. I found this gradual approach really helpful because I could test out how it felt to broach these topics, without having to say a lot. For some reason, there are a few words to do with the phobia that I find incredibly difficult to say out loud because I find some of the words themselves disgusting. After only a few minutes of yes and no questions, we were in at the deep end. Because I saw that my boyfriend wasn't repulsed or disgusted in the way that felt, I gained the courage to say more. Soon I was saying more about my phobia than I imagined was possible. At the end of the conversation, I cried quite a bit because it had stirred up so many feelings. Firstly, there was the disgust that the phobia elicits in me. Secondly, there was the fear of being judged. There was also sadness for the years I had been suffering. Finally, there was the relief for finally getting to a place where I could share this with someone. Mindmapping the fear In the days following this conversation with my boyfriend, I made a mind map of the different aspects of my phobia and the feelings elicited, namely: - loss of control - vulnerability - disgust - violation - & contamination I've always felt like my phobia was really strange, but after examining the key aspects of the fear I considered the possibility that maybe it wasn't so odd after all. I decided to talk to my best friend about it and show her the mind map. It was scary because sharing something so private made me feel like I was exposing a disgusting part of myself. My friend said that she that could see how my phobia has its own kind of logic. Through talking with her, I realised that I had to understand the reasons behind the phobia and that only through unraveling its meaning could I learn to master it. Telling my therapist I've had three long term therapists (anything between ten months to two years), seen numerous counsellors, mental health nurses, GPs and psychiatrists, and yet I've never opened up about my phobia to any of them. I think this is for a complex mixture of reasons. The first being that I haven't had then mental space to address this phobia because dealing with my BPD has been my main priority. When you're having frequent suicidal thoughts, urges to self-harm and are on the floor crying and having horrendous emotional flashbacks, all other issues are low priority. Also, as I mentioned before, the act of talking about the phobia makes me feel the emotions associated with the fear. So in talking about it, I'm choosing to experience feelings of disgust, vulnerability and loss of control. However, I guess it's a case of having to feel it to heal it and by having more painful feelings in the short term, I hope to have fewer over long term. My therapist said she was really glad I had opened up to her about the fear and that she wanted to work with me to address it. How I feel since opening up I feel a curious blend of relieved, sad, scared, disgusted and vulnerable. I also feel closer to my boyfriend and my best friend because the last part of myself that I was holding back from them has been shared with them. I have been congratulated for my bravery for opening up and taking the first step towards addressing the fear. I know how much strength it took to say something that could never be unsaid, and for that I feel courageous. If you're going through this, I just want to say I'm here with you and know how scary this all feels.

[TW This post talks about my history of being in emotionally and verbally abusive relationships, please take care] It hurts me when I hear people with borderline personality disorder believing that they are unlovable because of their mental health condition. Too many people with BPD believe that they are never going to be in a stable, happy relationship. Stigma says that people with this diagnosis are too fragile, too needy, too dramatic, too volatile and too much like hard work to be part of happy relationships. I bought into myths like these for years. I didn't tell my myself 'I'm not enough', but 'I'm too much'. I believed I cried too much, felt too much, loved too much, cared too much, hurt too much. I thought everything about me was 'too much'. To add fuel to these flames, I was also in an abusive relationship with someone who belittled and humiliated me. I was on the receiving end of repeated verbally abuse, was called names and sworn at. My confidence in bits and at my lowest ebb I was told I was 'too messed up' to ever have a happy relationship. It took me a long time before I was able to leave that relationship. When I finally left, I thought the only way I would ever be able to have a healthy, happy relationship was if I no longer had BPD. Essentially, I believed that because I had BPD, I was unlovable and therefore in order to be lovable I would need to be free of my mental health condition. Because I didn't know if my BPD would ever go away, I felt locked out from having loving relationships. I carried a sadness deep inside me like a lonely blue-whale. Around a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and that's when everything changed. He is the person who has had the most positive impact on my mental health than anyone else I know, or have ever known. From our first date, we both knew we wanted to spend our evenings and weekends together hanging out and getting to know one another. I was surprised to learn that he had fallen in love me with for the person I am today, rather than the person I might become in the future. I was even more shocked to learn that he saw the aspects of myself that I believed made me 'too much' as strengths and actually the reasons why he loved me. In the context of this relationship, crying 'too much' became a sign of my empathy. Being upset, for example, didn't mean I was 'needy', instead it made me someone struggling and needing help. Being affectionate and expressive was not 'over the top', but was evidence of my thoughtfulness, kindness and creativity. Over a period of only a few months, this relationship started to transform the way I saw myself. I no longer saw myself as someone who needed to be different in order to be lovable: I was loved just the way I am. Perhaps unsurprisingly, being in such a joyful, warm, caring, fun and loving relationship has enabled me to start the healing process that I so needed to embark on. As there is so much stigma perpetuating the false idea that BPD automatically equals nightmare relationships, I thought I would share six of the reasons why my relationship works so well in spite of my condition. 1. Validation I'm with someone who understands the value of this for calming my emotions. This means that I don't have to suppress my emotions out of fear that I will be belittled, dismissed or silenced. Instead, I know that my feelings and thoughts will be met with respect and support. Essentially, it means I feel safe. 2. Communication Because I can talk about how I feel, I don't have to keep it all in. And if you've ever had to keep it all in, you'll know how awful that feels! I think the main reason we are able to navigate the stormy waters of my BPD together, is down to clear, open and honest communication. 3. Knowing the history Being with someone who has the background on why I feel the way I do and the reasons behind my mental health difficulties is really important to me. This is because I strongly resist the idea that I have mental health difficulties for 'no reason': there's a story behind this diagnosis. 4. Humour We can both see the funny side of my thought processes. On the whole, my BPD is not exactly a laugh a minute, but there are times when I assume the opposite of what's actually happening and it can be funny. It would not be unheard of for me to be given a gift and not thinking it was for me! 5. Understanding of stigma My boyfriend understands that the mental health system is not flawless. He understands how difficult getting help and being taken seriously can be. He knows that there are inequalities and hierarchies in society which gives him a realistic view into what life with a mental health condition can be like. 6. Compatibility The keystone of our relationship is that we are a great match for each others' personalities, values, outlook on life and goals. I think that every relationship needs to have a balance of similarities and differences between the people involved. Having lots in common is vital, but it's also helpful to have some differences so as to learn from one another and discover new things. People with BPD are often individuals with big hearts. Much of the time, people with this diagnosis have been through an enormous amount, whether that's trauma, discrimination, abuse or invalidation. I believe that being in caring, loving, close relationships offer opportunities to reframe distressing beliefs stemming from past experiences. I shifted from feeling unlovable to feeling lovable and that shift has sparked healing on a deep level. That blue whale of sadness is now breaching on top of the waves. If you're reading this and are feeling as unlovable as I used to, I hope this creates a flicker of hope inside you, if only for a second.

Before I started dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) for my borderline personality disorder, I would hear the word 'mindfulness' and want to roll my eyes. Candles, singing bowls, deep breathing, meditating...erm, that's not going to help me when I'm so distressed I'm pacing around feeling suicidal. However, I quickly realised that mindfulness the DBT way was different. It wasn't about trying to feel inner peace, rid myself of my depression, love myself or anything else that felt unachievable to me. Instead, I learnt that mindfulness in DBT is based on three principles: Observing my body sensations, thoughts, emotions, urges and the world around me using my senses Describing what I'm observing by putting words onto my experience. 'I can see a red car'. 'I can hear yelling'. Participating in what I'm observing & describing. I.e. not 'checking out' of the world around me or dissociating In DBT, these are known as the 'what' skills. I also learnt that when practicing mindfulness the DBT way, I need to stay: Non-judgemental. In other words, not labelling myself, others and situations as 'good', 'bad' or any other value judgement One mindful. This means doing one thing at a time and bringing my attention back to the task at hand whenever my mind naturally wanders Effective. Doing what works rather than what I might be tempted to do. Sticking with my goals, rather than following my immediate impulses I appreciate that these principles are all very abstract! So I will give some examples. Okay, so let's imagine that I've decided to cook pasta mindfully. First of all, I will observe the pasta. I will notice the shape and colour with my eyes, the texture with my fingers. I will hear the bubbling sound of the boiling water and feel its heat. When I open the can of chopped tomatoes, I will observe the sweet smell and hear the click. I am also noticing my own body, thoughts and feelings. If I am having thoughts about the day and what happened, I notice those thoughts. If I am having the urge to send a text, I notice that too. I am aware that my body is warm and my breathing quick. Secondly, I put words onto my experience to describe it. I say to myself: 'I can see the gold coloured pasta', 'I can hear the water bubbling'. I can also state: 'I am feeling anxious, having the thought that I have done something wrong and am having the urge to send a text'. At this moment, I am tempted to tell myself that I'm so 'bad' at mindfulness and 'terrible' at cooking. I notice that these are judgements. Thirdly, I participate. This means that I 'enter into' the cooking of the pasta and continue to observe and describe, even if I don't feel like it. I don't focus my energy onto thinking about all the things I have done wrong and I don't take my phone out and send a text. Even though I am having these thoughts about my phone every twenty seconds, I repeatedly return my focus to the cooking of the pasta. This is being one mindful because I am bringing my attention back to the task at hand, rather than multitasking. Lastly, because I am gently bringing my focus back to the cooking, I am being effective. I know from my therapy that spending time engaging with anxious thoughts about what I may have done wrong makes me feel ashamed, sad and anxious. By sticking with the mindful cooking and not judging myself for my thoughts or urges, I am being effective. Do you find mindfulness the DBT way helpful? Is there anything you don't like about it? It would be great to hear your thoughts.

I was delighted to be a guest on Kimberley Wilson's awesome Stronger Minds podcast talking about my experiences of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In the episode, I talk about how I got my diagnosis of BPD, my interactions with mental health services, what I've found damaging and what is helpful. Kimberley Wilson is a chartered psychologist, NHS mental health trust governor and also a Great British Bake Off finalist. It was an absolute joy to be on her podcast as each episode is always thoroughly-researched, reflective and thought-provoking. I would like to say a huge thank you to Kimberley for having me. I really admire the work she is doing to further understandings of not only BPD, but a multitude of mental health topics. [Listen here] The previous episode in the series provides an explanation of what Borderline Personality Disorder is and is well-worth a listen if you want to learn more about BPD both generally and clinically, as well as its context within psychiatry as a whole. You can listen to it here: https://aca.st/be131d

I had the joy of interviewing my hugely talented friend Kathryn Watson about 'my illustrated mind', her practice of making art about mental health and schema therapy. Kathryn is both a doctor and an artist and has presented her work at the PsychArt18 conference in London, as well as The Royal Academy of Arts. She is currently showcasing her illustrations at an exhibition entitled 'In The Mind' at Free Space Project, alongside Elsbeth van Der Poel (until April 10th). When did you start making art about your mental health experiences? For the last couple of years, I had been using art purely as a means of distraction. I was actually trying to set up a pet portraits business! Then, at the beginning of last year, we began some of the experiential aspects of schema therapy and these included imagery exercises. My therapist knew about my interest in art and encouraged me to draw on this to help me communicate my experiences. That’s when ‘my illustrated mind’ was born! How does art help you? My artistic practice has and continues to help me in several ways. By allowing me to express myself, it facilitates emotional catharsis and enables me to communicate my experiences in a way that is more powerful than words alone. This in turn helps me find validation, both from within and from those with whom I share my work. Being able to gain an objective and visual view of my suffering has also been pivotal in helping me develop self-compassion. Lastly, art continues to help me explore and better understand my relationship with my different emotional states. This has been essential in the process of emotional healing. Does art allow you to connect with others? Yes! The connections art has brought me have honestly been completely unexpected, often overwhelming (in a good way!) and thoroughly heartwarming. I frequently do art in cafes, which has led to impromptu conversations with members of the public and so, is great way to help break down taboo and stigma. However, most of my public engagement is via social media with peers/service users and therapists. People have said that my work allows them to feel less alone and to understand themselves better. My illustrations have also been used to facilitate communication in therapeutic settings and for training purposes. In addition, I was particularly touched to learn that my work inspired people to do projects surrounding borderline personality disorder and start drawing for themselves. Finally, it has opened doors to exciting communities like Graphic Medicine and ‘Arts in Health’. I’ve been very lucky that all these things have brought many new friends into my life! What are your hopes for the future in terms of your artistic career? My main goal is to use my illustrations as a means through which I can communicate the cognitive, emotional and behavioural battles that underpin mental illness, in particular borderline personality disorder. By doing so, I hope to improve understanding, challenge stigma and change perceptions of these conditions and also help others gain insight into their own internal struggles. As part of this, I hope to get involved in education and training, to help health professionals and individuals with these kinds of difficulties engage better with each other. I also hope to publish my work in a book, with an educational emphasis, which will hopefully be a useful resource for peers and health professionals alike. What advice would you give to someone who wants to start making art? Do it! It’s a powerful way to develop a greater insight into ourselves and to communicate things that are often too difficult and complex to put into words. Aside from that, it can be a good mindfulness activity or distraction. The most important thing about it is how you feel when you’re doing it. I’d encourage people not to worry about making a ‘mistake’ or what the finished product looks like. And you don’t need any artistic training whatsoever! I haven’t had any! Kathryn's exhibition is showing at Free Space Project, Kentish Town Health Centre, London, until April 10th 2019. Dr Kathryn Watson Instagram: @myillustratedmind Twitter: @017kat Please do not use images without the permission of the artist

I asked my best friend Anisha about her understanding of borderline personality disorder, as well as the relationship between my BPD and our friendship. Anisha and I met in first year of university and we immediately sparked a close friendship bound by a shared sense of humour and a desire to live life on our own terms. Here's what Anisha had to say... What is your understanding of BPD? I’ve been friends with Rosie for nearly ten years, and since her BPD diagnosis we’ve had several conversations about what this means. From what I understand, BPD can be an incredibly debilitating condition, causing emotions too deep and painful to be harnessed. It seems to be very introspective, in that there might be constant self-evaluation or self-judgment, perhaps leading to heavy insecurities within a person. Apart from the mental weight these bring, they could also cause physical harm. How can friends can help with mental health problems? I think everything starts with being open about mental health. Friendships could be amazing safe spaces to talk, listen, learn, and understand each other better. There is so much out there about how the stigma attached to mental health problems does nothing but perpetuate silence and terrible feelings of shame. Maybe it is about taking the time and making the effort to building these safe spaces together. This can happen in many ways, one of the main ones being open, honest communication. Do you have any tips for friends of people with BPD? BPD seems to come in like a storm, particularly during periods of transition or high demands. I think in any friendship, but perhaps even more so with BPD, to be able to hold fast and be consistent is so important. The condition seems to produce this fear that telling others about it - in any detail - will be ‘too much’. Friends may not be able to provide the correct medical aid or advice, but maybe it is simply enough to let someone know you are present, listening, and not leaving. Can BPD positively impact a friendship? I truly think it can! BPD is a very real, consuming condition, but a friend is someone you invested in for so many reasons. It is an important part of someone, but it isn’t all of them. Rosie lives with BPD, and is also one of the most intelligent and interesting people I know. We are in a relationship like any other, where we continuously learn from each other, and therefore develop more empathy and sensitivity. We also mess about and have many laughs. I don’t think a mental health diagnosis can stop you from growing, and in my experience it gives you the chance to grow together. * Thank you so much Anisha for sharing your thoughts. You have done so much over the years to make me feel valued as a person, even when my self-worth was on the floor. I hope everyone with BPD can find a friend as supportive and understanding as you.