When my best friend of more than a decade called off our friendship, I couldn't cope. My worst fears became a reality, shattering my confidence and self-esteem. Even now I find it painful to think about and the loss brings me to tears. I'm more or less okay about it now, but I still wish it never happened and still miss my friend terribly. I wrote this Happiful Article to share some of the things that helped me. I hope you might find it helpful too if you've also experienced this. You can read the piece here.

I wrote a piece for the wonderful Happiful Magazine on what self-stigma is, how it happens and what we can do to lessen its painful impact. You can read this article here! Hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think and if you can relate.

I’m loving my time as a new mum, but some aspects are hard. Juggling household tasks and basic self-care like showering and eating whilst caring for a baby is no picnic! If you have a baby, you'll know that you can’t just hop in the shower when you fancy or cook your favourite meal on a whim; you can't take your eyes off your little one for more than a second. Baby's nap time may provide a little space to do something, but often means doing the mountain of dishes, batch cooking baby food or getting yourself dressed... And that's if your baby naps more than five minutes and is happy to sleep out of your arms! Some days sleep deprivation mists your brain and forgetfulness, clumsiness and the constant thought of ‘I neeeeeed sleep’ occlude all else. Honestly, if babies slept like adults then caring for a baby would be a hundred times easier! The DBT skills I learnt several years ago have been exceptionally helpful for me as a new mum. They have helped me handle the challenges of parenthood with a little more acceptance and tranquility. Not saying I'm perfect (what even is that?!), but I am mostly able to manage my strong emotions pretty well thanks to DBT. Consequently, I thought I would share my top five most used DBT skills for other parents with babies just in case they are useful. 1. Improve the moment / mini holiday On days when it feels like 'everything is going wrong', I ask myself: what simple thing can I do to make this difficult morning/afternoon/evening a little easier? Can I put my baby in the pram, walk to the cafe and buy myself my favourite coffee? Can I feed my baby whilst watching my most-loved comfort film? Can I spend two minutes whilst my baby is playing on the floor next to me to get dressed properly or apply some make-up? Sometimes doing something low effort but high impact for myself can make everything feel much more manageable. On tricky days another helpful question is: what shortcuts can I take? Can I simplify the recipe and the food will still be tasty? How about leaving the playgroup ten minutes early so I don't have to race home? Life is so full and so fast-paced, we can all benefit from shortcuts every now and again. For a person with BPD they can be the difference between making it through the day without feeling really distressed and feeling okay. 2. Build positive experiences Every time I have a positive experience it's money in my emotional bank for when I have a rainy day. If I have to do something I'm not looking forward to (because let's face it, we all have those chores and errands), then I try to 'wrap it' with something nice. It could be having my favourite food for lunch, seeing a good friend or lining up my favourite show to watch. When my baby had her vaccinations I made sure I had nothing planned for that afternoon so we could go home and cuddle up on the sofa (those were the days before she was on the go 247!). Some examples of building positive experiences in a small way: - Giving yourself a little treat whatever that may be - Spending time in nature - Planning something nice to do in the near future - Reading a favourite book or watching a favourite film - Having your favourite tea / coffee / hot drink Sometimes building positive experiences may be larger in scope such as: - Working towards starting a new career / studies / volunteering / lifestyle - Moving to a new location - Working towards finding new friendships / relationships / building a family - Learning a whole new skill such as a language, sport, craft etc 3. Dialectical thinking Dialectical thinking involves integrating two opposing viewpoints about a topic. When you look at an issue or situation from seemingly conflicting sides, then you are attempting to think dialectically. It's about seeing the shades of grey, not just the black and the white; it's also about knowing that something can be two things at once for example: - You can work hard and take a rest sometimes. - You can be a devoted parent and still take a break sometimes. - You can love someone and be angry with them. - You can be a good at something and still make mistakes sometimes. Thinking dialectically is a vital skill for emotional regulation. If you think that 'good parents' aren't 'allowed' to take a break then you will be reluctant to take one (or feel guilty if you do) and quickly become exhausted. Living life in extremes of thought leaves little flexibility for a person to respond to their emotional needs as they arise and no allowances for mistakes. Dialectical thinking promotes living in a more balanced and, ultimately, more self-compassionate, way. 4. interpersonal effectiveness: Give skill During times of exhaustion and overwhelm, it's easy to be irritable with partners or loved ones. We are all liable to be impatient or use a snappy tone when we haven't slept well, but this is where the GIVE skill comes in handy! This acronym gives reminders for effective communication when the main goal is to maintain a positive relationship. Gentle. Use a soft, gentle tone and adopt open, relaxed body language. Avoid sarcasm, 'you always' or 'you never' statements or blaming. Interested. Show interest in what the other person is communicating by paying close attention. Allow them to speak without interruptions. Validate. Show that you are trying to understand the other person's point of view. Acknowledge their emotions. Validating is not about agreeing with someone, it's about acknowledging their emotional experience and letting them know that their feelings matter. Easy manner. See if taking a slightly more relaxed and easy-going attitude could make communication easier. Maybe even use a little humour to make things feel more light-hearted. I need to remember to use this skill on days when everything feels so heavy and serious as a result of having little skill and a to-do list as long as my own arms. 5. Radical Acceptance Sometimes things happen in life that we wish hadn't happened. Sometimes we wish we could change things, but we can't. As a parent, there will probably be one or more things happening every day that we don't want to happen—even last night my baby scratched her face in her sleep even though I had just filed her nails. Of course this is pretty minor, but there will be times when difficult things happen that we don't have control over such as sickness, accidents, change of plans, bad news, others' reactions. In such instances the DBT skill known as radical acceptance can prevent us from experiencing further stress and suffering. Radical acceptance involves acknowledging when a situation or an outcome is outside of our control, and accepting that there is nothing we can do to change the state of affairs. To radically accept a situation is to let go of all attempts to solve problems, influence outcomes or change how others feel. Often, the decision to radically accept a situation is not a one-off resolution that happens easily or quickly. Radical acceptance involves repeatedly acknowledging and accepting when you do not have influence over something. Whenever I find myself wishing trying to change something that I cannot alter, I acknowledge what is going on, how uncomfortable or painful that is, and then remind myself that I cannot change it. Radical acceptance doesn’t take away the discomfort caused by difficult situations, but it frees up time and energy to focus on the things that are in my control. Next time my baby wakes up from a nap after only a few minutes, I need to remember this skill! I hope you find this post helpful. Please let me know if there are things you do as a parent with BPD that you found especially helpful as I would love to know. Take care! - Rosie x

My wonderful baby girl is approaching six months old! And what an extraordinary six months it has been! My husband and I adore our daughter and are having so much fun watching her grow. She laughs, smiles, rolls, interacts with us, plays with her toys and soon will try her first mouthfuls of fruits and vegetables. Can't wait to see what she enjoys most! Lots of people have been asking me what life is like as a mum with BPD so I thought I would take a moment to write about it⁠ whilst my baby is napping. Unfortunately, my postnatal period has been anything but straightforwards due a long and challenging recovery from a very difficult birth and postnatal complications that caused me severe difficulties. It was hard to see other mums recovering much, much faster than me and being able to do things that were (and still are) out of my reach. That has been tough to say the least, but luckily I have been in utterly love with my girl and we have been very much enjoying each others' company. Emotions relating to my baby When I was pregnant I was worried I would love my baby so much that I would explode with emotion. If you have BPD, then you will probably know that so-called 'positive' emotions can pose challenges just like so-called 'negative' emotions (not that emotions should be labeled as positive or negative really as they exist to tell us important information and often compel us to act in useful, protective ways). However, my fear of not coping with the amount of love did not come true as I found it very manageable. It is very common to cry a lot in the first few days after birth due to the intense hormone changes and I think all of this hit me in a very normal way. As I mentioned, I did have intense physical pain and the challenges of my recovery as I mentioned which hit me really hard. In terms of anxiety, most of that has been related to my physical recovery and anxieties about my baby have been really normal I think. Relationship with my baby My relationship with my baby is absolutely amazing, if I may say so myself!! She is like my little best friend as we do everything together and spend all day (and all night!) together. Wherever I am, she is. She gets a thousands kisses from her mum and dad everyday and has not been short on hugs either. I have been under the Perinatal Mental Health Service since pregnancy and something the professionals there always ask about is the 'bond' with the baby. Whilst that can be an issue for some parents and babies, it has not been one for me. I feel very connected and in love with my little girl, plus I feel confident that she adores me back. My husband is the same too. It is the most lovely feeling in the world for both of us. I was allocated talking therapies by the Perinatal Mental Health Service, but after a couple of sessions I have decided it's not right for me as it's primarily for parents who need support with their relationship with their bay. The hardest part about having a baby Apart from my difficult birth and distressing postnatal complications, the hardest part about having a baby is having so little time for myself. From sunrise to sunset and the hours in between, I am there for my baby. She needs me to meet all her needs at any moment. Whilst it is a blessing that we are together, sometimes I crave time to do something for myself like draw in my sketchbooks, take a shower that's longer than two minutes or work on my scrapbooks and journals. As I am exclusively breastfeeding her and she won't drink from a bottle, it means I need to be with her all the time and plus I am her primary caregiver as I'm on maternity leave and my husband is at work. Not having an evening or time to spend with my husband just the two of us is hard too. I tell myself it won't last forever. Lack of sleep When my baby was three months old she started sleeping amazingly at night. In fact, she started sleeping so well I couldn't really tell other mums about it as I didn't want to make them feel envious. However, that all stopped when she began teething and had her first cold... At the moment I am in the haze of sleep deprivation and it makes some days really hard. My mind thinks about sleep and how much I long for it, without the possibility of having it. People are quick to say 'nap whilst the baby naps', but it's not possible when she wakes up at such random moments. I have given up napping during the day unless it's the weekend and my husband is around because every time my head hits the pillow the baby wakes up and I'm left feeling worse than I did before. Confidence as a mum Overall, I feel really capable as a mum. I know with all my heart that my little girl is having an amazing start in life with parents who love her and are doing a great job of meeting all her emotional and physical needs. She has a loving family who enjoy seeing her grow. Whilst I look forward to the future (how cute her first birthday will be!), I sometimes want to pause time as it is going too fast. Anyone with BPD who is reading this post, I hope it's helpful. Please know that people with BPD can make loving, thoughtful and supportive parents. You have the right and deserve to have that dream. Anyone who suggests otherwise is misinformed. - Rosie x

*Note: This post mentions suicide and self-harm.* Reading, writing and drawing were my first loves. Books have always been there for me with their soothing words and pictures when life has felt chaotic and confusing. I wanted to write something about my relationship with books in the context of my mental health problems. Let's start at the beginning and see how we go... As a young girl I was an emotional little girl who cried easily and was sensitive to all emotions. I remember standing in a paddling pool one summer's day and screaming about something that nobody else seemed to understand. I loved to look at books, especially those with rich depictions of soothing worlds in which nothing much happened except picnics, boat rides and blackberry picking. As a teenager When I moved from primary to secondary school I cried all the time. Before school, after school, on weekends, in the toilets, at the back of class. Books were my retreat from an anxious reality and none more so than Harry Potter. The intricacy of the world provided an escape and I would read them on the school bus which was a very uncomfortable place for me. When I changed schools I became happier, but I still had issues with anxiety and emotional intensity. It was clear that I was very strong at English Literature because reading books and writing about their meanings came easily to me. More than that, reading was a lifeblood to me as a young person who didn't know how to cope with her intense emotions and painful feelings. Books let me see I wasn't alone; they made me feel connected to something when I felt lonely.The Brontes, Gothic novels, any poetry I could get my hands on... At university and my mental breakdown Studying English Literature at university was a dream come true, but in my first term I had a huge mental breakdown which resulted in me going back to my parents' house and needing full time care. I was severely depressed and had a punishing eating disorder. My concentration was in shreds and most of my thoughts were about suicide, self-harm and how much I hated myself. Reading and writing—the things I needed to be able to do for my degree—I could no longer do and it was terrifying. I turned to drawing instead which helped externalise my painful feelings. After several months, I slowly began to read again and came back to my degree. Studying so many amazing books with some of the most inspiring and talented professors of literature was completely thrilling. I wrote dissertations on Virginia Woolf and her portrayal of consciousness and Robert Burton's 'monster' work 'The Anatomy of Melancholy'. It made me upset when people suggested my mental breakdown was caused by university and studying because it wasn't at all. Studying such amazing literature breathed life into me. It was my borderline personality disorder causing my suffering, not my studies. I cried with joy when I completed my degree because I knew what I had overcome to complete it. In the years to come I undertook a fascinating Master's Degree in Medical Humanities and examined writing on disabilities, illness and health. Reading to feel connected Over the years it has been hard to find books about borderline personality disorder that reflect my experience. In fact, many books about the condition lack genuine insight and compassion— one of the reasons why I decided to write my own book: Talking About BPD. One publication that stands out to me as bringing me comfort for a couple of years of my life was Doll Hospital Journal, an art and literature journal on mental health, edited by Bethany Rose Lamont. Doll Hospital Journal shared narratives on mental health that weren't often shared in mainstream media and reading them helped me feel less alone with the difficulties I was going through. As a teacher I love to read aloud to a group of children and see their awe and surprise at the twists and turns. It brings me huge satisfaction to take a class on a journey with a book and see them learn about its context, characters, vocabulary and narrative arc. I always learn too from the children's responses and observations. We share the emotion of the characters together; laughing and even crying at their turn of events. The learning and enjoyment is therapeutic for everyone involved. audiobooks for anxiety About five years ago I realised that listening to audiobooks could quieten my anxious thoughts. It's a kind of mindfulness practice that helps me tap into the present moment. I enjoy listening to anything from Victorian classics to children's literature, Harry Potter and modern literary fiction. I do find it harder to concentrate on audiobooks with more complicated plots though as I cannot flick back to find key information if there's something I've forgotten as I can when I read paper books. Audiobooks have been really helpful for insomnia or bedtime anxiety because when I listen to something familiar it soothes me so I can fall asleep. comfort reads When the world feels too much for me and I need a rest from emotions on 'loud volume' , I turn to my comfort reads. Books that could be described as 'cottage core' like Anne of Green Gables, Brambly Hedge and The Railway Children relax me. Above all else though , I return to Harry Potter. I don't agree with what JK Rowling says about trans people and I think what she is saying is damaging to groups of people who really don't need any more pain. Yet I find so much comfort in her books (and the films) that over the years they have become a consistent and effective therapy for myself. Reading to my baby When my little girl was just days and weeks old, I began reading to her. It was more to comfort myself than her to be honest, as she was so tiny. Yet it felt so good to be able to bring books into her world at such a young age. I hope she will get as much joy from reading as I do. How has reading been for your mental health? Has it had an impact? I would love to hear from you. - Rosie x

It's time to say goodbye to 2022 and hello to 2023. It has been a huge year for me personally with my wedding, pregnancy and the birth of my daughter. I'm still recovering physically from the birth (and will be for some time I think). Overall my BPD has been really calm this year and that's thanks to the DBT skills I tirelessly apply, as well as the relationship with my amazingly caring and level-headed husband. Challenges and Strengths I have experienced some panic attacks and moments of intense difficulty this year, but they have been fleeting. Throughout 2022, I was able to be a little more self-compassionate to myself when things didn't go to plan with managing my BPD. I didn't beat myself up for having a panic attack or losing my cool. I continued to share my thoughts with people I trust at home and work, even when I felt ashamed or embarrassed. I found it hard to rest and ask for help at times, so this is something I need to do more in the year ahead. For the most part, I had a very healthy pregnancy physically and mentally. I could walk for miles and run around at work whilst nine months pregnant which felt wonderful. I felt full of health, so ready and utterly excited for the birth of my baby, both mentally and physically. Unfortunately, my pregnancy did culminate in a difficult birth from which I am still recovering, but I am proud of myself my tenacity and determination during the birth and the early weeks of recovery. I certainly have faced all challenges head on, with courage and persistance. I can't fault myself for how boldly I handled the physical and mental challenges, but still I am looking to others for external approval too often. I want to get stronger at making my own opinion of myself the one that counts the most. thank you for supporting me I have been so delighted with how my book has been doing and it has been absolutely amazing to read glowing feedback from readers. Thank you so much to everyone who has purchased, read or shared my book. I am so happy I could bring it into the world and share it with you. It makes me smile whenever I see another review on Amazon or someone posting on Instagram stories about how they're enjoying the book. Thank you! Connections For me, life is all about relationships and this year I have continued to pour my energy into those that mean the most to me. I try to give what I can to others, show gratitude and do small kindnesses where I can. Like many people with BPD, I wear my heart on my sleeve when I'm around those I trust. This kind of emotional openness builds closeness with people which enriches my life and (hopefully) those of others. I'm grateful to those in my life who reciprocate by sharing something of their life and their emotions with me. It strengthens me and makes me feel less alone. Even though a couple of years have passed since my closest and most precious friendship came to an agonising and sudden end after more than a decade, I am still coming to terms with what happened. I no longer cry over it or think about it everyday as I did in the first year after it happened, but it still hurts. I think it will always hurt. To lose such a close friend is to lose a piece of yourself really. I lost a lot the day that friendship ended. Dagger to the heart is the best way to describe it. I still think about this friend a lot and I wrote a bit about coping with being ghosted for Happiful Magazine. In spite of this loss, having a baby made me realise just how many strong and significant friendships I have in my life. People have been really generous both materially and emotionally. Being a parent for the first time demands a lot and it has been heart-warming to have so many people thinking of me and showing they care. My hope for 2023 is to keep nurturing those relationships and keep showing small kindnesses to others wherever and whenever I can. If someone is having a bad day, a tiny act can mean so much as I know only too well myself. Once again, thank you everyone for supporting me- that's nearly nine years of Talking About BPD now. If you haven't already seen my affirmations designed with people with BPD in mind, feel free to take a look. Furthermore, I wish that every person with BPD gets the respect, care and understanding they deserve and need. There's no place for stigma and discrimination towards people who are emotionally sensitive and who have likely been through trauma. I wish everyone all very best for 2023. If 2022 has been hard for you (as it has been for so many), then I hope this year will be better. - Rosie x

It's true that people with BPD often struggle to be kind to themselves and are generally no stranger to stigma, discrimination and abuse. If you have this diagnosis then you may have found it hard to access appropriate and timely mental healthcare or have your emotional needs taken seriously by those who really should be listening. With these things in mind, I have made fifteen affirmations. The point of them is not to solve all your problems (!), but rather to act as reminders of your inherent worth as a person and how you don't deserve maltreatment and disrespect. Too often people with this diagnosis (or when relate to it) feel broken, flawed, unlovable or even useless. I wanted to remind you that these beliefs are absolutely not true, although I can appreciate why you may feel that way. After all, it's understandable to feel defective if you have been through rejection, abandonment, invalidation or been dismissed by someone who was supposed to care for you. It's also completely normal to feel unworthy of respect or find it hard to look after yourself if you have been through difficult life experiences, trauma, abuse or neglect (which many people with BPD have). These affirmations are designed to be used creatively and as often as possible. Feel free to save the following images and keep them on your phone to look at during challenging days, use them as phone wallpaper or print them out for your wall. If you find them uncomfortable and they are not helping you, then don't continue using them. Alternatively, maybe have a go at writing your own. Let me know what you think of them, if you have any re-wordings or completely new ones that work for you. If you enjoy these and are able to, please consider supporting me on Buy Me a Ko-Fi to help me fund my annual website and domain subscription. All support is hugely appreciated. - Rosie x If you enjoyed this post and are able to, I would be most grateful if you would like to buy me a Ko-Fi to help me pay for my website and domain subscriptions. Thank you to everyone who has helped me far.

My gorgeous autumn baby was born a few months ago and since then I have been in love! Well, I was in love with her long before her birth actually, but now I get to hold her in my arms which is even better! She is content, smiley and lively— an angel! She is healthy and has had no problems. My husband and I adore her and so do our families. I feel so lucky that I have the baby that I have always been dreaming of... she is even more amazing and wonderful than I could have wished. If you have BPD and are wanting to be a parent then maybe you are curious how it has been for me? Although it started out so beautifully, my birth was not straightforward and ended in complications (for me) with a lengthy and uncomfortable hospital stay. To be honest, it was a traumatic birth and I may write about it elsewhere if or when I feel like it. It has been long and painful recovery with postnatal complications which has been mentally challenging. My overriding emotions relating to my baby have been love, excitement, joy and pride (I'm a proud mum!). I have had some fleeting anxieties about my little girl, but I think they have been similar to those of other parents: Is my baby the right temperature? Is my baby feeding well? Is my baby feeling happy? Is my baby sleeping okay? Is my baby healthy and putting on enough weight? Am I doing bath time / dressing / nappy changing 'right'? In a previous post, I described a psychiatrist who recommended that I take sertraline as a prevention for 'postnatal relapse' even though I was completely fine throughout pregnancy (I declined the mediation as it didn't seem necessary to me to take a medication 'just in case' of a possible outcome. In fact, the suggestion made me miserable). I am happy to say I have been managing life with my baby really well and I honestly believe she has had a fantastic start in life. It is normal for any parent to have moments of feeling overwhelmed or worried about their baby. If you have BPD and have doubts over your ability to be a 'good' parent, I hope reading about my positive experience brings you hope. I will write another post as soon as I can detailing the support I've had from perinatal mental health services since my baby has been born. My baby! It has been heavenly (!) to be able to hold my baby in my arms, feed her, see her smile, watch her grow and begin to explore the world around her. Sleep deprivation is hard though, but as the weeks go by it gets easier as babies tend to start sleeping in longer chunks. It is also difficult to have time for yourself when a baby's needs are front and centre 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I have been exclusively breastfeeding my baby too which has brought it's own share of discomforts, but I'm really happy I've been able to make it through the initial challenges as it does feel really special to be able to feed her from my own body. I know that rates of breastfeeding in the UK are amongst the lowest in the world and I can appreciate why. (I could write at length about everything I've learnt and thought about feeding my baby, but that's another story that I won't publish here!). Being a mum means that I need to stand confident in my decisions and capabilities. There will always be a million and one different ways of parenting and any interaction about a baby will bring up differences in personal opinions about how things 'should' be done: Have you done x yet? Have you joined y group? You should introduce z before its too late. So long as my baby is safe and content, then I will do what works for me and my family! I want to hold onto these precious moments before my baby is too big to hold in my arms. No matter how big she gets, she will always be held in me heart. She is so loved! Completely and utterly adored! I have been able to jot down things I want to remember in my journal so I can look back in years to come. Anyway, I need to go now but I wanted to write something to let you know how I am doing with my new baby. Please stay hopeful and confident if you have the same dream of having a baby that I once had. I am also thinking of anyone going through difficulties getting pregnant or pregnancy loss. — Rosie x If you enjoyed this post and are able to, I would be most grateful if you would like to buy me a Ko-Fi to help me pay for my website and domain subscriptions. Thank you to everyone who has helped me far.

I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant and really happy I've made it to this point with a healthy body growing a strong and active baby. I've got my confidence back now thank goodness, but I did have a three-week long dip in my confidence and self-esteem following an unhelpful psychiatrist appointment (I will explain more below). As you may know, 37 weeks is considered a 'term' baby so I'm on the home stretch now and will have my baby in my arms in the next four weeks or so! I cannot wait for that moment, I will be overflowing with love! I thought I would take a moment to write the third of my three trimester posts and share with you what it has been like from week 29 onwards in my pregnancy. [This post mentions food and body image. It also mentions trauma and sexual abuse with no details.] getting ready to meet our baby My husband and I talk non-stop about the baby. She is all we can think about because we are so excited and love her so much already. We have been doing lots of tidying, de-cluttering and cleaning as I really feel strongly I want our home as organised as possible before the newborn chaos ensues! I know when the baby arrives there won't be time or energy to clean anything and I thought I would be helpful to get everything around the home as clutter-free as possible. Living in a big city, dust is my nemesis and I can get a bit obsessed with it. My dog sheds her fur so much too, so I am in a constant battle with hair. Sometimes these two irritations get me down, but I know I will need to let it go when the baby arrives. I am sure she will keep me so busy that I won't have time to even notice dust and dog fur. packing and preparing As I'm a teacher, I've been on summer holidays for the last few weeks. This has given me lots of time to do baby prep, but honestly it still feels like I haven't done enough. Just when I think I have bought everything, I think of something I've missed. My washing machine has taken a hit with all the washing and cleaning I've been doing. Maybe I've been overly obsessed? I probably have as it has felt stressful. Some people talk about the 'nesting instinct' and whether it's a real thing or not, it has hit me (too) hard. Getting my hospital bag (bags!) ready has been a big theme. I have packed and re-packed my bags too many times out of excitement and fear of having missed something. It's still not 100 percent ready, but will it ever be when I keep thinking of more things to put in it?! I've also been doing everything I can to prepare my body and mind for birth and the early days postpartum, as well as learning all I can about birth and giving a baby a wonderful start in life. discomforts The third trimester has been a walk in the park compared to my first and early second trimesters when I had relentless nausea day and night seven days a week. I have experienced the usual pregnancy discomforts though in the last few weeks, from back ache to aching hips, not being able to get comfortable wherever I sit or lie, foot pain, feeling hot, intense hunger, lethargy, tiredness, heartburn and more. However, they have all been manageable. The most uncomfortable aspect of the last few weeks for me has been the heatwave and high temperatures which were really unpleasant, especially at night when trying to sleep. anxiety about the world During the heatwave, my anxiety about climate change ramped up and it began to stress me out. It was starting to give me panic attacks and make me cry a lot, so I had to talk myself out of worrying about it for the sake of my own mental health and for the baby. Secondly, I've been experiencing worries relating to the cost of living crisis in the UK, soaring energy prices, inflation and so on. It does feel like a fraught time politically and economically to be having a baby. I am doing my best to stay in the moment and think about what my husband and I can do to give our baby a great start in life. I think she will have a great start in life and we will do everything we can to make that happen. my psychiatry appointment made me feel awful Definitely the worst thing that happened in my third trimester was my 'pre-birth care plan' appointment with the psychiatrist from the perinatal mental health service. I was confused from the word go... What does 'pre-birth' mean? Does it refer to planning for the birth before the birth or planning for the period that leads up to the birth? Isn't 'pre-birth' just called pregnancy? Deliberately, I remained optimistic that this would be an opportunity to make a plan with a mental health professional to protect my mental health during the birth, so that I would be in a better place emotionally after the birth. After all, as a study from the University of Manchester attests, 'people with BPD are 13 times more likely to report childhood trauma than people without any mental health problems'.* Surely therefore it makes sense during such appointments to think about how past trauma could be re-activated through the birth process and how any new trauma can be mitigated? I got all geared up for the appointment, keen to make a plan that would make me feel confident and like my mental health needs would be protected in the hospital. My appointment was with a psychiatrist I hadn't met before from another area, as the psychiatrist for my area (who I saw for first two appointments) had left the service. She was lovely and introduced herself in a friendly manner. To my dismay though, she quickly turned to the usual medication reel of questions and I explained myself (again) that I wasn't on medication, hadn't been for a while, was fine off medication and had no plans to start it because I was fine off it and didn't feel it helped me massively anyway. I told her that I was familiar with the NICE guidelines for treating BPD which state that medication should not be used specifically for borderline personality disorder.** She then went on to give me what felt like massive scare tactics about why I should take sertraline as a 'preventative measure' as soon as I give birth: Did I know that postpartum mental health problems can be very serious? Yes, I am very aware. Did I know that a postpartum relapse can come on incredibly fast, so fast that I should consider taking preventative sertraline as soon as I give birth just in case I get a relapse? This means I won't have the delay of getting an appointment, ordering sertraline and collecting it from the pharmacy by which time my relapse could be in full swing. There is a mother and baby inpatient unit for those experiencing severe crisis and if I should need it, it's there for me and my baby. I know, but you are now terrifying me a lot and I am not sure why you are talking about this right now. Did I know that sertraline is safe for the baby in pregnancy and during breastfeeding? Yes, of course, but I am also aware that some studies show possible (and generally short term) side effects for the baby and I decided before I got pregnant that I didn't want my baby to experience those and that would trigger my anxiety causing me distress anyway. I explained again that sertraline didn't do an awful lot for me anyway and I felt fine to be off it even if I wasn't planning a pregnancy. I was then totally on the defensive for several reasons. 1. Please don't think you know me and my life after five minutes of seeing me on Microsoft Teams. 2. Please don't speak about medication for BPD as if it's the holy grail when medication is generally not the most important factor for the well-being of a person with BPD. 3. Why are you not exploring more options with me for managing my BPD postpartum? I explained that I didn't feel it was necessary for me to take preventative sertraline 'just in case' of a relapse for the following reasons: My BPD has been fine throughout the pregnancy. I am excited about the birth and have prepared as much as anyone can be. Managing my BPD is all about my relationships, environment and lifestyle, not medication. If I feel mentally unwell after the birth I will contact a doctor and most likely take sertraline again to see if it's helpful. I respectfully told the psychiatrist that I felt she wanted me to take medication because it's easier for doctors that I take it than not. She disagreed and I empathised with her, but then I moved the conversation onto what I hoped the point of the meeting would be— making a plan to help me manage any flashbacks or panic attacks in the hospital. She told me that we couldn't do that and it had to be done with my midwife! What a joke! I was there ready to tell her SO many things that could be in place to make me feel mentally safe and protect my mental health and she couldn't accommodate any of them into the consultation or onto my plan. Seriously?! What was the point for me then?! Several weeks have passed and I'm still angry. It's not the care people with BPD or any sort of trauma history or PTSD need or deserve. The psychiatrist told me she would write up the plan we had made and email it to me for checking before it would be uploaded to the system for all professionals to see. I didn't think we had made any plan, but said okay and thank you. A few days later, I got the plan and it didn't sit well with me at all. It didn't capture my needs, had inaccuracies about pain relief and breastfeeding (which we never discussed in the appointment) and the wording made me anxious. I emailed back requesting changes and explained that I had felt disappointed the appointment and resulting plan didn't capture what I had hoped it would. I explained in my email that people with BPD need support with environmental factors and have often experienced trauma, including sexual abuse which are very important to think about during birth. My reply was an updated care plan with the deletions I had requested and then copy and pasted sentences from my email in quotes: patient says 'x, y and z'. Honestly, it made me feel ****. I don't usually swear on my blog, but that's the only word I can use. For about three weeks following that appointment, my mood dropped significantly. I should have remembered that just as mental health services can lift you up, they can knock you down. I should know, I've experienced some horrific trauma at the hands of mental health services as I described in my book. I started to fear this 'relapse' that the psychiatrist described and doubt myself as a mother. I cried a lot, felt anxious and it sucked some joy out of my days. I only came out of this dip by discussing the above with a few different people, including my lovely midwife. Everyone I spoke to said I am making the right decisions for myself, can understand how this appointment knocked my self-esteem and if I do feel low when the baby is born I can go back on sertraline if I need. [Can I just add here, please can nobody tweet or email me saying why don't I just take sertraline anyway? I have nothing against sertraline or medication. As I have said, medication can be fantastic and life-saving for lots of people. However, I don't want to take it if I don't need to take it and it doesn't support me. I don't want to pay £9.35 prescription charge every month, book and attend regular GP appointments to review my medication (and explain my circumstances from the beginning every time), go to the pharmacy to collect the medication. There's also the rigamarole of tapering off it when the time is right which is a fuss. I just don't want to and right now it doesn't feel necessary. Rant over. That's my decision which I feel should be respected.] excitement is the main emotion! I am over those few weeks of low confidence now and back to feeling empowered. As always in this pregnancy, the overriding emotion is excitement. That moment when the baby comes onto my chest is going to be the best feeling in the world. I know I will look at my husband and our baby and feel so much happiness. Really, I can't wait. I know there are many unknowns with birth and I have anticipation over what the sensations and emotions will feel like. I've been doing hypnobirthing which is all about preparing to birth your baby as calmly and confidently as possible. Let's do this, let's meet this baby! I hope you've enjoyed these trimester posts. I'm sure there's so much more I could say, but my energy has been finite. If you're hoping to have a baby or growing one right now, I hope they have been helpful. I will try to write something about the newborn days once I can, but when my baby is here I will be spending all my time loving and nurturing her as best as I can. Sending all my best wishes to you as always, especially to those of you struggling. - Rosie x *'Borderline Personality Disorder has strongest link to childhood trauma', University of Manchester, November 2019. ** Here is the wording from the NICE guidelines for 'Borderline personality disorder: recognition and management' (January 2009): '1.3.5.1 Drug treatment should not be used specifically for borderline personality disorder or for the individual symptoms or behaviour associated with the disorder (for example, repeated self-harm, marked emotional instability, risk-taking behaviour and transient psychotic symptoms).' That's not to say medication can't be used or isn't helpful for people with this diagnosis. It can be incredibly helpful for lots of people! My understanding is that the medication needs to be used to treat something discrete such as depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, psychosis etc, rather than throwing the medicine at BPD as a whole in the hope that it stops an individual's emotional pain. As I explained to the psychiatrist, as a person with BPD positive mental health for me is linked to supportive relationships, lifestyle and environmental factors. If you enjoyed this post and are able to, I would be most grateful if you would like to buy me a Ko-Fi to help me pay for my website and domain subscriptions. Thank you to everyone who has helped me far.

It's time for me to share my thoughts on my second trimester of pregnancy, following my first trimester reflection. The second trimester is usually understood as starting at the beginning of week 13 and finishing at the end of week 26, but definitions can vary slightly. As is the case for many people, my second trimester was easier than my first— well, the latter part of my second trimester anyway! I'm going to keep this post short and sweet because as I write this I'm 33 weeks pregnant, there is a heatwave, I have lots of baby organisation to do and I'm tired! *Please note, this post mentions food and body size (other people's comments about my body).* Nausea The constant nausea that kicked in early in my first trimester continued until around seventeen weeks. I felt demoralised because I know that for many people the nausea tends to end around week 12. Mine just kept going on and on and on, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week with no pause. Urgh. It did lessen ever so slightly about week 14, but it was still the ever-present, grim theme of my days and nights. However, sometime during week 17, it lifted and I felt like a new woman! I could enjoy the simple pleasures in life again such as watching TV, reading a book or playing a video game. I even had a cup of tea and started eating toast again, after being off them for weeks. Once the nausea abated, the variety of foods I could eat broadened and I returned to more normal meals. Thank goodness! Aches and pains I experienced intense fatigue during my second trimester which lasted for many weeks. I was confused about why I felt so tired because everything I read said that exhaustion tends to be stronger in the first trimester and then lift in the second. After some weeks, I gave up on trying to squeeze my symptoms into bullet point lists from books and accepted that everyone is different. Books, articles and YouTube summaries don't capture the nuances of individual experience. I know it's obvious, but when you're in the thick of a new experience, it feels unnerving not to fit the template. I had quite a few other small issues. For a few days, my feet burned with a stinging sensation and the only thing that would take away the pain was plunging them into iced water. A novel experience. I had a week or so of very vivid dreams which I think must have been down to the hormones, although that being said I have always been a very vivid dreamer anyway. As my bump grew, sleeping became more uncomfortable too. Excitement Oh my goodness, the excitement of having a baby ramped up in the second trimester! My husband and I became more and more keen to see and hold our baby. Although the scans made me nervous (in case of a problem), it was absolutely wonderful to see the baby. At some point, I began to feel my baby moving with subtle swishes at first and then brilliant little kicks and punches with hands and feet. This was so much fun! My husband and I just kept feeling more and more love for our baby as the weeks took us closer to meeting her. I began to get things ready for her arrival; buying clothes, blankets and so on. Getting set up has been really exciting and kept me pretty busy! Annoying comments Honestly, the intrusive questions and unwanted (and often dubious) advice have been tiresome at best and infuriating at worst. Some common examples include: Are you taking prenatal vitamins? (Yes of course. Also, that's personal). Make sure you go to all your midwife appointments. (I know. Of course I will, I am anxious about getting the right care and I wouldn't do anything to compromise my baby's health). Eat x, y and z. (Please stop telling me what to eat, especially as you don't know I have a history of an eating disorder). Your bump looks huge, it must be a girl/boy. Only x weeks! Your bump is so big for x weeks! (Please stop commenting on my body). Are you eating ginger biscuits? These will stop the sickness. (They don't.). Enjoy every moment of your pregnancy. (I am happy to be pregnant, but have you tried enjoying life with 247 nausea?) Sit down / don't walk around / don't rush / don't crouch / don't bend like that / don't lean over / don't bend your back. (Aargh!! These incessant comments make me want to scream. I know how my body feels and my body's capabilities. I am just trying to get on with my job and life. I will listen to medical advice if I need it and right now I don't. People are quick to tell me that such interactions are coming from a kind place. I know they are. But I don't like the comments and they put a strain on my mental health for various reasons. My body is like public property that is available for observation, discussion and even fascination. It's a feminist issue. I'm fed up with it. Anxiety I worried a lot about the health of my baby and whether everything was okay. I think it's normal for a lot of people to worry about their baby in pregnancy. I had a couple of moments of panic when I found myself fearing that something was wrong with her, especially before scans. However, everything has been going well and the more time that passes the less worried I feel. My BPD People have asked me if being pregnant with BPD has made my mental health worse. It hasn't. It has stayed the same, or perhaps got even better. I've been very settled in my life in the last few years with my relationship, home, dog, work, getting married, writing my book and so on. DBT changed my life, taught me how to manage my intense emotions and helped me feel calmer and happier. I hope seeing a person coping with pregnancy alongside BPD provides some reassurance and hope for those of you who are pregnant or are hoping to have a baby in the future. I have written about my experiences of perinatal mental health care in another post if you are curious. I hope this post has been helpful and I hope to write a reflection on my third trimester when I have the energy. As always, sending empathy to anyone reading who may be experiencing loss, infertility, anxiety or other difficulties; sending you all my best wishes and kindness. - Rosie x If you enjoyed this post and are able to, I would be most grateful if you would like to buy me a Ko-Fi to help me pay for my website and domain subscriptions. Thank you to everyone who has helped me far.

I've dreamt of having a baby my whole life, but when I was diagnosed with BPD in my early twenties I sometimes feared my dream was ruined. Would I be able to cope? Would pregnancy send me into emotional chaos? Would anyone even want to have children with me? Would I be a 'bad mum'? Would my mental health problems 'damage' my child? As those of you who have read my blog or book know, it took numerous years (with many ups and downs) to learn how to manage my BPD, strengthen my self-confidence and get my life into a calmer and happier state. Fast forward through five or so years of tumult and uncertainty—to the point where I had a wonderful partner, a fulfilling job, a comfortable home and had been through Dialectical Behaviour Therapy—and I knew I was ready. After the trauma, heartache, heartbreak and excruciating emotional pain, I had reached the stable situation in life that I had dreamed of and was longing for a baby. As I write this blog, I'm thirty-one weeks pregnant and am so excited to have my baby in my arms. Given my BPD and tendency to become very emotional very quickly, thinking about having a baby has required much thought from me over the last couple of years. I wanted to give myself the best possible chance of staying mentally well in pregnancy and beyond for my baby. I thought I would take a moment now to tell you about the specialist mental health and maternity care I have been able to access in my area before and during pregnancy. Perhaps it might be of interest if you're planning to have a baby and have BPD. Perinatal Mental Health Services Perinatal Mental Health Services provide specialist mental health care for people who are pregnant, planning a pregnancy or have a baby up to the age of twelve months. They generally support people who have, have had, or are at an increased chance of developing, 'moderate to severe' mental health problems. The psychiatrist I used to see for several years told me about this service in my area and she said that when I had a time frame for wanting to get pregnant, she would refer me for pre-conception counselling. I was grateful for this referral as I had anxieties about being pregnant with BPD and was looking forward to speaking to someone about it. Pre-conception Appointment I hated this appointment. The psychiatrist was as cold as ice. I felt so weird sitting there with my husband, sharing our private thoughts about something so personal as having a baby with someone who seemed to be a robot. I would share something emotionally important to me and then she would ignore it only to parrot a question at me like: 'What dose is your sertraline?', 'how long have you been off antipsychotics?', 'how many hours do you sleep?' Urgh. It was a case study on how not to do person-centred care. Regardless of what I said about medication though, the psychiatrist clearly thought I should stay on it even though she kept saying 'of course it's your choice'. I explained to her that my medication has always been the least significant strand of my mental health care, far less important than therapy, relationships, lifestyle and reducing stress (I mean, there is no specific recommended pharmacotherapy for BPD in the UK). I told her I had pretty much made up my mind that I wanted to come off my medication before getting pregnant and, furthermore, the research she presented me with during the appointment made me more certain that coming off my medication was absolutely the right decision for me and my future baby. She kept saying 'happy mum, happy baby', which to my mind is a trite, overly-simplistic phrase that winds me up. Anyway, that appointment ended and I decided not to let it put me off engaging with the service in the future in case I had a more positive experience. As a seasoned mental health 'service user', I have learnt to keep an open mind. For every unhelpful professional there seems to be an absolutely amazing one and sometimes it's luck of the draw. Coming off my medication I had a few false starts with coming off my sertraline over about eighteen months. I think there were two occasions when I had to go back on it after trying to come off it due to my mood. I rushed myself and attempted to come off it over Christmas (never a good idea) and not just any Christmas, but the infamous lockdown one when all my plans were cancelled. I knew I had to go back on it when I was crying for two weeks over the Christmas holidays, thinking of self-harm and suicide on the daily just like I used to. After that, I decided to stay on it a while and then later I worked with my GP on a very slow tapering schedule that spanned several months. My GP was lovely and I requested her every appointment to avoid re-explaining myself every time. The warm person-centred care she gave me was a breath of fresh air and the gentle tapering schedule worked. She also gave me sound advice about not letting others judge me over what I do with my life. It's been over a year and a half now since I came off my sertraline and I haven't had any issues. Brilliant! Booking appointment When I was about seven weeks pregnant, I self-referred to my local hospital's maternity services as my GP had advised. My initial 'booking appointment' a was cold experience in which a midwife asked me very personal questions in a very impersonal manner. My responses were robotically recorded in on-screen tick boxes, even if they didn't really fit a box. When she asked about my mental health history, I told her about my BPD. Naturally, there was no box for BPD so she asked me which one to tick and I said 'other' and asked her to write down 'borderline personality disorder'. The letter that I received a few weeks later with an 'outline of my care' said I had 'bipolar disorder'. It is really annoying given the fact they are very different and require totally different care. I contacted the admin team and asked them to correct it. Of course, at my next appointment it wasn't corrected and at the next appointment the doctor said 'so you have bipolar disorder'. Specialist Midwife At my booking appointment the midwife said she didn't know if I would meet the criteria to be cared for by the specialist midwife for people with mental health problems and other circumstances such as domestic violence, FGM and drugs and alcohol difficulties. I was pretty much certain I would meet the criteria when the team assessed me by phone as I have a long history of severe mental health problems involving suicidal ideation and self-harm. Maybe the midwife at the booking appointment thought a person 'like me' couldn't have that 'kind' of history. Being with the specialist midwife, rather than the general midwife team, means I get all my appointments with the same midwife, rather than seeing a different one each appointment. It means we get to know each other and I don't have to give context every time. As a person with BPD, I often feel like I have to prove myself in front of professionals (thank you stigma) so it's helpful to see the same midwife every appointment. It also helps me feel safe and build trust. My midwife also has a direct phone number which I can call or text, instead of having to go through the general enquiries number. I'm pleased to be with the specialist midwife as I feel it offers me a bit more protection than being with the general team. Next week, for example, I'm going to make a birth plan with the perinatal mental health team and that will be shared with my specialist midwife. This birth plan is made with my mental health problems in mind and how to protect my mental health during birth. I get extra home visits after my baby comes home too. I also feel that I have more ability to ask for, and receive, support should I need it. I have been able to get an appointment with the 'birth options' midwife and maybe this was easier as there is a prior understanding of my needs. Birth options clinic I have an appointment with the birth options midwife next week so watch this space! I'm getting this appointment as I want to do everything I can to ensure I get my needs met during the birth given my history of medical trauma (I wrote about it in my book and at various points on my blog). I want to try to avoid tiny rooms with no windows and staff members standing over me if I'm on the floor in a corner for example, as I feel this would trigger some horrific and distressing memories for me. Mental Health Team Birth Planning Urgh, this appointment was awful. I thought it was about making a birth plan that would look after my mental health and reduce the likelihood of trauma and emotional distress. Alas, it was yet another opportunity to bash me over the head about why I’m not taking medication! Via Microsoft Teams, the psychiatrist showed zero understanding of BPD and made zero attempts at doing anything useful for me. Once again, I was there telling her all the things that could be done to protect and promote my mental health during the birth, only for her to tell me that this ‘wasn’t what the appointment was about’. Apparently the appointment was about making a plan to prevent ‘relapse’ after the birth. She advised me to take ‘preventative sertraline (medication) just in case of a relapse’. Honestly, the thought of taking medication when I was perfectly well ‘just in case’ I were to become unwell, made me feel uneasy. It all just felt a bit ‘wrong’ to be honest- a bit like tempting fate and living in the expectation of feeling awful after the birth. I didn’t want to automatically *expect* a mental breakdown after the birth of my beloved and longed-for beautiful baby. It felt unnecessary to pop the pills the same day I gave birth (as the doctor was suggesting) in expectation of an impending crisis. I didn’t want to do that or be in that doom-ridden frame of mind given how well I had been in pregnancy. If I had been struggling mentally in pregnancy, then I probably would have taken medication. As I have said many times, I’m not against medication- it has saved many, many lives and has been helpful to me at various points in my life. What I am against though is taking medication when I don’t even feel I need it. I voiced all of this to the doctor and respectfully disagreed with her. Luckily the appointment ended soon after, as I wasn’t finding it supportive in the slightest. A couple of days after the appointment I received my the ‘care plan’ we had apparently made in the appointment. It didn’t resemble anything I had said that was important to me and it was a tick box thing that made me feel unsupported and unheard. There were even a couple of things on there that I didn’t feel were accurate, such as the wording about initiation of breastfeeding- which we hadn’t even discussed in the appointment. I emailed politely requesting changes which were instigated in the form of a copy and paste from the email I had sent: ‘she requests [insert my words from the email].’ Oh and my husbands name was wrong yet again as it usually is. This appointment made me feel really down and affected my confidence to be honest. It was really deflating. It felt hollow and deflating— exactly the opposite of how a pregnant woman should be left feeling after interacting with mental health services. [Update 05.12.22 Luckily since the birth I have had some positive mental health care which has been much more person-centred and useful to me.] How I've been feeling generally I've been mentally well throughout the whole pregnancy, in spite of horrible pregnancy nausea. There was a blip when I had anxiety about my blood test results. I shared a lot in my first trimester post and will write more in my second trimester post too. My main emotions relating to my pregnancy are excitement and love! My husband and I just cannot wait to meet out baby and hold her in our arms! It's not easy to find content on pregnancy and BPD, so I hope this post is helpful for you if you have BPD and are hoping to have a baby or are pregnant. I will keep writing as many posts as I can manage about my pregnancy. - Rosie x

I wanted to write something for those of you with BPD who are having a baby, hoping to become pregnant or are interested in this topic. As I mentioned in my previous pregnancy post, it's difficult to find writing or vlogs by people with BPD about their experiences of pregnancy so I wanted to share mine. This post is a reflection on some aspects of my first trimester (week 1 to the end of week 12). Every pregnancy is (of course!) unique and everyone's experience will be different. Pregnancy is a very personal thing, so I won't be sharing every single detail just the aspects I feel comfortable sharing. *Please note, this post briefly mentions a previous early pregnancy loss. It also mentions food.* joy My baby was a longed for and dreamed of baby so learning I was pregnant was a joyful and wonderful experience. I sensed I was pregnant a week or so before taking a pregnancy test, so I didn't have the fabled two minute wait for two lines to appear on the pregnancy test in the way it's presented in the movies. My husband was really happy too. I haven't been able to stop thinking about our baby ever since and my love has been growing each day. Anxiety The first few weeks of my pregnancy were laden with anxiety. Last year, I was pregnant for a few weeks and then had a pregnancy loss. This was upsetting for me and my husband and made me anxious for the future. I managed the anxiety by distracting myself as much as I could with puzzles, audiobooks, quizzes and TV. At around nine weeks, we paid for a private scan to confirm there was a heartbeat because I had read that if there is a heartbeat this is a hopeful sign that the pregnancy will continue. When we saw the tiny embryo with a beating heart on the screen we were relieved and already in love. Nausea From around seven and a bit weeks, I had constant nausea. When I say 'constant nausea' I mean feeling sick 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Morning, afternoon and night, the sensation never left me. I couldn't think of anything else because nausea just took over my mind and body. Nausea stayed with me for the rest of the first trimester and, to my dismay, some of the second trimester. It was like being on a ship that I couldn't get off for over three months. I tried every remedy under the sun, but nothing worked. The nausea robbed me of enjoyment of any activity and I cried a lot because I longed for the the sick feeling to go away and give me a moment of relief. After about 11 weeks, I spoke with doctors about safe medications that could help me and tried one: it didn't work. Usually my husband and I share the housework, but I don't know what I would have done without my husband to support me with all the practical tasks that I couldn't manage: shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, walking our dog etc. Apart from being at work and resting when I was home, I couldn't do anything else at all. I didn't find fun in anything or find jokes as funny as I usually do. At times, I felt irrational guilt and embarrassment because I wasn't my normal energetic, lively self. I needed to remind myself that this was nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about— I was growing baby, dealing with horrible pregnancy nausea and that was extremely hard work mentally and physcially! Food and drink Sometimes I discovered a food or a drink that would give me a fleeting burst of relief. I would then crave these foods and drinks like a desperate explorer longing for water in a desert. Some of these foods I wanted for a couple of weeks, before the mere thought of them repulsed me. Tomatoes, kiwis, carrots, Babybel cheese, Mini Cheddars, ice-cream, Salt and Vinegar Snack-A-Jacks, milky instant coffee made with cold water poured over ice-cubes and lemon water with ice-cubes. My taste changed in out-of-character ways, most notably that I wouldn't touch a hot drink or slice of toast and daydreamed about about ice-cream and green tea. social anxiety At around ten weeks I told my work I was pregnant. It was hugely difficult hiding 247 nausea in my role as an SEND teacher and the weight felt too heavy to carry. I was crying every night after work as each day felt too hard and I knew that saying something would give me relief. I was very anxious about telling my work as my job is very important to me and it felt like a lot to essentially tell them I would be having next academic year off to be with my baby. My anxiety was so intense that I didn't have the capacity to tell them face-to-face so I sent an email because I feel so much safer and more in emotionally control communicating via writing. They said they were really happy for me and have been supportive. I also had a lot of anticipation and anxious excitement about telling my family. It just felt like such a huge thing to tell them and the emotions of anticipation were overwhelming. As a person with BPD, emotions tend to be very intense and even those happy emotions can be so big they feel hard to bear. As always, my husband supported me a lot by validating me, accepting me and listening. 12 week Scan There was much excitement and apprehension in advance of the first NHS scan. Seeing the baby's growing body with a beating heart on screen was a delight and a relief. A couple of days after the scan, some blood test results came back and I was told I had a 'marker' that required extra monitoring later in the pregnancy. I was really scared and confused about what it all might mean for the baby and myself. I didn't get all the answers I wanted from professionals and this made me quite distressed. It took me a few weeks to find the reassurance I needed and to feel more positive. Once again, my husband and my family helped me through. I've needed a lot of rest to manage my emotions and the fatigue that is a natural part of growing a baby. I have written a separate, brief post on my experiences of maternity and mental health services. As I write this post I'm now 24 weeks and I feel my baby gently kicking! Until now (midway through the second trimester) I had no emotional or physical energy to write anything. I'm still really tired, but also enjoying day-dreaming, preparing baby clothes, the pram, thinking ahead to the birth, the first weeks and so on. Overall, my BPD has been pretty calm and I'm pleased with how I'm managing, in spite of the grim nausea. I hope you have enjoyed this post if it's relevant to you in some way. I hope to write a reflection on my second trimester when I can, depending on my energy. As always, sending lots of empathy to those of you reading this who may be experiencing loss, infertility or other difficulties; I really send you all my best wishes and lots of compassion. - Rosie x If you enjoyed this post and are able to, I would be most grateful if you would like to buy me a Ko-Fi to help me pay for my website and domain subscriptions. Thank you to everyone who has helped me far.