[This post contains references to self-harm and suicide, so please take care.] Sometimes, the people who think they know the most about mental health actually know the least. At times, those whose job it is to help people in distress, say and do the most unhelpful (and stigmatising) things. The nurses who tell people to stop 'attention seeking', the therapists who describe behaviours as 'manipulative' when they are far from it, or the doctors who belittle and patronise their patients. It's not just me who has encountered the phenomenon of the unhelpful helping professional because I have talked to friends who have experienced this and have heard many people sharing this exact experience online too. Let me share examples from my life. First, there was the nurse who told me 'don't do anything silly' as I walked out of her consulting room after talking to her about self-harm. Secondly, there was the psychiatry junior doctor who asked me about self-harm by miming cutting on her arm. Then there were the mental health nurses who saw me as a difficult time-waster and told me to get out of the emergency department. There are also the numerous medical letters and reports that describe me as the 'polite' and 'well-dressed young lady', as if my manners and my make-up mean anything about my mental state. Plenty of times, I have been had suicidal thoughts whilst wearing my best clothes with perfectly-applied lipstick and styled hair. Oh, and the support worker on the crisis phone line who said, quite earnestly, that I have 'nothing' to be suicidal about because I have family, friends, a degree, a job and a boyfriend. Just as an aside also, please can professionals stop making assumptions about sexuality! I have seen people writing online about their experiences of being in crisis and saying that they have had more helpful and empathetic responses to their emotional distress from taxi drivers, transport workers and cafe assistants, than from medical professionals such as nurses, doctors, therapists and paramedics. I remember with gratitude the security guard who brought me a snack in A&E when I was effectively held in a small hospital room with nothing to eat for several hours. Of course, this is not everyone's experience and I know many people have had incredibly traumatic experiences of being met by police in very frightening ways and being handled in a manner that was painful, scary and traumatising. I have read about people receiving more empathy from the police that responded to a call out, than the clinical staff they later saw. So why is it that sometimes non-clinicians respond with more empathy and sensitivity than clinicians? Is it because clinicians are hardened by constant encounters with human distress and immense pain? Is responding with stereotypes just easier when exhausted by constant exposure to human suffering? Is it down to a lack of supervision or space and time to recharge after a series of difficult shifts? Is it arrogance in that some clinicians think they know everything about their patients as soon as they walk in the door? Something else? I don't know. Over the years, I have noticed that I often find it easier to disclose my mental health condition (and especially my experiences with feeling sucidial and self-harm) to people who don't work in mental health. Is it because of the above? Is it because I feel I have the chance to represent myself and recount my own experiences, rather than having someone who 'knows' about BPD from their work and trainings? It might be, I am not sure. Sometimes, the fact that a mental health professional is shocked when I disclose BPD says something about someone's preconceptions. People 'like me' can go through this. Because there is no 'us' and 'them'. The so-called 'sick' and the so-called 'healer' blur. And, to be honest, it is in that blur where the real healing happens. Peer support, has been, and always will be, one of the most valuable sources of support for me. People with BPD are too often seen as the 'bottom of the pile', the 'worst of the worst' in some mental health circles, and it's not a thing of the past; it's happening today. Not so long ago, I saw someone on Twitter had tweeting about a therapists' group chat and how people with BPD were being talked about in the group with negativity and spite. Talk about kicking a person when they're down. A 2006 study on so-called ‘difficult patients’ in mental health care found that patients with a diagnosis of BPD were judged more negatively by staff than patients with other diagnoses (such as schizophrenia) even when their behaviour was the same. Another study describes that mental health nurses 'belittl[ed] patients with BPD more often than than those with schizophrenia. A 2007 study found that nurses were more helpful to patients with major depressive disorder than those with BPD too. I know the reality of this, and it hurts. It really, really hurts. I don't want anyone reading this to think that it is all professionals who think, speak and act in this way towards people with this diagnosis. It is not. However, I think it is important to know about others' experiences of stigma because it reveals that it's not a problem with you; it's a problem with the system and the culture. A system and a culture that does not fully support, understand, respect and empathise with people with BPD. The majority of people diagnosed with BPD are women. The reasons given for this vary and it's not to say that there aren't equal numbers of men with this diagnosis too- just perhaps that they are not being diagnosed. Also, whilst I am on the topic of gender, there is a dearth of research on BPD and gender variant and non-binary people. Can it be a coincidence that one of the most stogamtsied mental health conditions is one that is (arguably, along with conditions such as anorexia nervosa) has the most associations with women? I think it can't be. I have had some fantastic care from medical and mental health professionals. Not least my warm-hearted, caring, empathetic and genuine DBT therapist of two years, who treated me as an equal, saw me for who I am and understood what it's like to be a woman right now. My psychiatrist of the last few years, who saw me as a person before anything else, and wanted to help me get out of this cage, not keep me locked inside. The GP who told me that I would be well-suited to working with children due to my caring, creative nature. So, what to do if you encounter an unhelpful helping professional? That's difficult to say and I can only speak for myself. Sometimes I have tried to end the interaction as quickly as I possibly can and finish the assessment, phone call or appointment. There have been times when I have wanted to formally complain afterwards and I haven't because I haven't had the emotional capacity or energy to. Other times, I felt to complain would be fruitless so I didn't bother. Other times, I have not been able to make a complaint or stand up for myself because I wasn't aware that something was stigmatising at the time. Stigma has been central to my experience of BPD, that I kind of didn't know anything different. It made me doubt myself sometimes. In my book, 'A Stigma-Free Guide to Living a Calmer, Happier Life with BPD' (out 21.10.21, published by JKP) I give more advice about coping with stigma and how to bolster your confidence when faced with stereotypes and unfair judgements. I hope the book can be helpful to some of you. Please know, no matter what, you are not a stereotype. You deserve respect, care, compassion, understanding. It is hard to feel and believe that sometimes, but honestly, you deserve nothing less. After everything you have been through, you really deserve nothing less. - Rosie Cappuccino 02.02.21 References: Forsyth, A. (2007) ‘The effects of diagnosis and non-compliance attributions on therapeutic alliance processes in adult acute psychiatric settings’, Journal of Psychiatric Mental Health Nursing, 14, 1, 33-40. Gallop, R., Lancee, W. J., and Garfinkel, P. (1989) How nursing staff respond to the label "borderline personality disorder". Hospital & Community Psychiatry, 40, 8, 815–819. Koekkoek, B., Van Meijel, B. and Hutschemaekers, G. (2006) ‘“Difficult patients" in mental health care: a review’. Psychiatric Services 57, 6, 795-802. If you like what I do, please consider supporting me on Ko-Fi to help towards my running costs. Your support is much appreciated.

It's been just over a year now since I started writing my book and it is now with the copyeditors of my publisher Jessica Kingsley Publishers (JKP). The cover designers are working on a draft cover which I can't wait to see. I'm *so* excited for it to be all sorted and ready for you to read! I have been through lots of stages to get to this point in the process, including a book proposal, first drafts, second drafts and lots of editing, not to mention reading and research. Apart from my editor, Jane Evans, and the team at JKP, nobody has read the book...and I can't wait to share it with you. I am thinking of writing a post explaining the process I went through to write the book, just in case anyone reading my blog is interested in writing a book themselves. My book is for people diagnosed with BPD or those who relate this diagnosis. It looks at the impact of stigma and how to manage that, as well as the condition itself. It's a hopeful book that provides coping tips and ultimately aims to support people who are feeling overwhelmed or demoralised by BPD, as well as the stigma. I really, really hope that you will find the book comforting and validating when it comes out. It feels quite natural in a way that I wrote a book when Talking About BPD was resonating with so many of you and so many people felt as alone as I once did. I really hope my book will help you feel less alone, bring confidence and provide some hope that things can start feel better over time. Thank you everyone for all the support you generously give to me. - Rosie If you like what I do, please consider supporting me on Ko-Fi to help towards my running costs. Your support is much appreciated.

Doing Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) was completely life-changing and helped me greatly with my BPD. I completed DBT some months ago and I did it for a duration of around two years, involving individual, group and phone sessions. Here are ten things I learnt thanks to this type of therapy. If you want a more general introduction to DBT and what it is, check out this video I made. If you're looking for info about DBT skills too, then I made a video series about some of my favourite DBT skills also. Okay, so let's dive into ten things I learnt over the course of this therapy... 1. My difficulties are valid After years of wondering whether I was an incompetent mess of a human being (or worse, a 'monster') for having intense emotions that I didn't know how to manage, DBT showed me that struggling to regulate my emotions was not my fault. I learnt that emotion regulation is something that some people need to be taught later in life, if for some reason they didn't learn these skills adequately or effectively in the past. I also learnt that some people have more intense and overwhelming emotions than others. Learning this took away some of the same and embarrassment I felt about having emotional dysregulation and was a building block for learning self-compassion. 2. Emotion regulation can be learnt Someone who struggles with overwhelming emotions and intense emotional distress doesn't have to struggle forever. Things can be done to help a person to regulate their emotions. One part of this is the individual therapy during which a person learns about their past and how this may have shaped their present difficulties. Another, very key, part of this is the DBT skills which are techniques people can apply to help them manage thoughts, emotions, urges and behaviours. 3. Behaviour first, emotions follow I have written quite a bit about this in my forthcoming book. My therapist taught me that I first need to do something different in order to feel something different. She told me that my emotions won't change first. This took some time to sink in, but when it did it was a revelation to me. Instead of lying in bed feeling sad and waiting to stop feeling sad to get out of bed, I learnt I had to get out of bed first in order to stop feeling sad. Understanding that 'behaviour comes first, emotions follow' has helped me life a much more stable life. Many times, it has stopped my distress from taking over. 4. Change is constant I have lived most of my life wishing for things to stay the same. I think I have a 'preserving instinct'...maybe I should work for a museum so I can live out my love of preserving the past (!). In all seriousness though, this desperation for things to stay the same forever has caused me a lot of anxiety. Thanks to DBT, I am slowing coming round to the idea that nothing can stay the same. Relationships evolve, things move on, some people stay and some people leave. And there is nothing I can do to stop that. In fact, the less I try to stop that the more relaxed my life will be. For a person like me who loves certainty, this is hard though. 5. Take care of physical needs At times I used to neglect rest, sleep and food. DBT showed me that if I didn't prioritise these things, then it would be so much harder to regulate my emotions. It was a bitter pill to swallow, so to speak, as I was used to working myself into the ground in order to feel a sense of satisfaction and peace myself. Luckily, I don't generally do this anymore. These are just five things I learnt from doing DBT. As you will see from my YouTube channel I learnt lots of specific skills that have helped reduce my distress and feel calmer. Some of these I will share in my forthcoming book too! Feel free to let me know on social media if you have done DBT and if you learnt anything. - Rosie Useful book about DBT with lots of detail: DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha M. Linehan. Guilford Press; 2nd edition (9 Dec. 2014). If you like what I do, please consider supporting me on Ko-Fi to help towards my running costs. Your support is much appreciated.

I want to say a big thank you to everyone who has supported me via social media and my blog in 2020. It has been a particularly hard year for so many, bringing many unforeseen challenges with health, finances and changes in lifestyle, work and travel. I made a short thank you video which I posted on my YouTube channel: I am continuously grateful for all the encouragement I get for what I do on this blog and social media. I can't believe I have 14.7K followers on Twitter and it means a lot to me that what I share resonates with so many. As you probably know, my dream for this new year and the years to come is that people with BPD are treated with nothing but respect, compassion and understanding. I want access to high-quality and sensitive mental health services in which people with BPD (who have often experienced trauma or very difficult life events) are offered useful and relevant care. Wishing you all a happy new year and I wish you all the best for 2021. - Rosie If you like what I do, please consider supporting me on Ko-Fi to help towards my running costs. Your support is much appreciated.

Earlier this year, I had something happen to me that hurt. That really, really hurt. I am still 'recovering' from it (whatever that word means). I can't 'move on', I can't 'get over it' and I can't 'forget about it'. I can't do any of those things that society or other people might tell me to do. This incident rubbed salt into past wounds so deeply that the sting continues. The event made the floor drop from beneath me, shattered my confidence and left my confidence in myself in tatters. I'm not going to get into details about what happened exactly because it is too personal. However, it involved rejection and abandonment to the highest degree. If you have BPD, or relate to this diagnosis, then you will understand just how terrifying and painful these two things are. Over six months have passed since the incident happened and I am still hurting, even though I am coming out of the other side. All the while, I have managed to complete my book, start a new job and move house. I honestly don't know how I have managed to do all that whilst my heart has been aching and my mind has been searching for answers that never came to me, and which I never found. I wanted to write a little bit about some of the things that have been, and still are, helping me survive this agony. 1. Retreat I have been retreating into books, films, TV and video games that bring a sense of comfort. I have been re-watching films from childhood that make me feel safe. I take comfort in knowing the characters, the words, the endings and in no surprises. Nostalgia is soothing for me and I rarely feel like exploring anything new when my emotions are raw and excruciating. I can't cope with a surprise sad ending in a book or scary content in a TV episode (or worse, something that reminds me of the painful event) when I am already trying to process so much. 2. relate and remind Thankfully, during this time I have been able to fall back on my love of books to relate to other people (both fictional and real) who have been through heartbreak. I have been reminding myself as much as I can that I am not the only human in the world to have been through this kind of hurt and have gone on to feel better. Somehow, this knowledge that humans from ages past and all corners of the globe feel pain is soothing; I have been telling myself that to feel hurt is to be human. I have also been reminding myself that to love someone is to open myself up to the possibility of pain, and to take that risk takes courage. And I know that courage is something I have and something that I am happy to have. I have also been trying to remind myself that time, more often than not, is a fantastic healer. I might always feel sad about this, but I am unlikely to feel this heartbroken for ever. 3. Reasons (stop trying to find them) I have cross-examined myself and all of my actions in an attempt to unpick what my part in this could possibly have been. I have beaten myself up over any possible 'wrong doings'. I have reached out in the hope of finding answers. It was fruitless. All of this was pointless. It's time for me to stop seeking 'a reason'. Life is too complicated, and other people are too complicated, for a neat reason to be nicely packaged up for me. I cannot understand what happened and I need to let go of trying to understand. That's a process and a commitment; it means actively *not* seeking answers and it means re-directing my energy when I find myself ruminating on this situation. I know this hurts, and I accept this hurt. There is nothing I can do to change this except invest in myself and invest my time, resources, love and creativity and in the people around me and my life. If this post resonates with you and/or something you have gone through, I hope it can bring a little bit of ease or comfort to you. Thank you for reading. - Rosie If you like what I do, please consider supporting me on Ko-Fi to help towards my running costs. Your support is much appreciated.

Finishing off editing my book, along with starting a new job and moving house, has made me very quiet on here in the last four months. It has been a very hectic time for me, albeit a few months with many positives...I love my new job and I adore my new home. I know that the pandemic has caused brought havoc into the lives of so many people and I realise that many are suffering additional, or new, stresses and losses. I feel very lucky to be a key worker (teacher) and therefore to have a secure job, as well as one means I'm able to work 'in person' the vast majority of the time. I moved house earlier this month which has brought my emotions even closer to the surface than they already were. Everything is making me tear up this month: a Christmas card, a scene on TV, a song. Partly this is because I feel so lucky, grateful and completely overawed to have not only a beautiful home, but a wonderful, caring partner to share it with. I think it is also because I am completely exhausted with the move, a very busy term in my new job and living during a pandemic. I also really find half-unpacked boxes and dealing with insurance companies very stressful! I am hoping to be able to write some posts and make some videos now that my book is largely finished. I will be busy doing the final stages of editing over the Christmas period, but after that I hope to return more regularly to blog posting. I don't have an official publication date yet for the book, however as soon as I do, I will definitely share that date with you. If you are on social media, you can follow me on Twitter & Instagram for more regular updates. Sending kind wishes to everyone reading this. Thank you to all for your support. x

Hope you enjoy the next three videos in my 14 Days of DBT Skills series. Day 10: PLEASE Skill (emotion regulation skill) Day 11: FAST skill (interpersonal effectiveness) Day 12: DEARMAN skill (Interpersonal effectiveness) Let me know what you think in the video comments section if there is anything you disagree with or want clarification on! Hope you find them helpful. Useful book about DBT with lots of detail: DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha M. Linehan. Guilford Press; 2nd edition (9 Dec. 2014).

Here are the next three videos in my 14 Days of DBT Skills series. Hope you enjoy or find them helpful. Day 7: Radical Acceptance Day 8: Cope Ahead Day 9: Improve the Moment - More videos about BPD Useful book about DBT with lots of detail: DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha M. Linehan. Guilford Press; 2nd edition (9 Dec. 2014). If you like what I do, please consider helping me with my running costs by supporting me on Ko-Fi. Your help is much appreciated.

I really enjoyed writing a guest post for Dee Chan, DBT-informed counsellor, and her website BPD No More. My post details one of the key reasons why I refused to keep quiet about my BPD when I was diagnosed. Check out my post about why I chose not to remain silent over on BPD No More. BPD No More contains information about BPD, personal perspectives on the condition, as well as blog posts with DBT-based advice. Thank you so much Dee for inviting me to write for BPD No More!

I am so happy that my 14 Days of DBT videos have been helping a number of people. Here are days 4-6 and I will be releasing more videos as soon as I possibly can (hopefully over the next few days). Day 4: Opposite Action Day 5: Self-Validation Day 6: Turning The Mind Let me know in the YouTube comments or via social media what you think or if there's anything you would like to know or anything you experience differently to me. Here is the full video series > Useful book about DBT with lots of detail: DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha M. Linehan. Guilford Press; 2nd edition (9 Dec. 2014). If you like what I do, please consider helping me with my running costs by supporting me on Ko-Fi. Your help is much appreciated.

Here are the first three videos of 14 Days of DBT. I hope you enjoy them and find them helpful. Introduction video Day 1: Observe & Describe Day 2: Non-Judgmental Stance Day 3: Identifying Emotions Let me know what you think! Hope you join me for day 4 and beyond! I will be publishing the videos over on my YouTube channel. Useful book about DBT with lots of detail: DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha M. Linehan. Guilford Press; 2nd edition (9 Dec. 2014). If you like what I do, please consider helping me with my running costs by supporting me on Ko-Fi. Your help is much appreciated.

Last week something happened to make me feel really fearful, anxious and distressed, so I have been taking a lot of time for myself. I haven't been working on my book or learning any Polish (something I have been doing in the last year). I haven't done any of the things I normally do to be honest. I was treated unfairly by an organisation and was left without answers to my communications for so long which made me feel really stressed. Then, a trigger happened that has left me feeling really upset. I am so glad that my partner is looking after me so kindly. I have had to postpone my DBT video series- I am so sorry. I will be back soon when I have come to terms with what is going on / when I have some understanding of the situation that has left me feeling so upset. Take care everyone! Rosie x